Why i wish i was a Gay

     Why do i wish i was a Gay? Its without a doubt i am saying this, I love the scent of a women , the way she giggles , the notes and melody of her voice, Her flaw less skin,the little brown hairs on the back of her neck. But today I am ashamed to say that I am man and I am straight ,because its the common trait of the countless millions around the world who rapes and molest women for the satisfaction and pleasure they draw from the suffering of a fellow human being.

     I never heard that a gay has done something bad, pardon me for being ignorant but from the place i come from i have heard terrible news about straight men committing gruesome crimes, from child molestation to patricide but i have never heard that a gay has committed something like that

     Now probably u may be thinking that,jeez ..whats with this guy? If you want to be a gay then be it and stop whining about being straight. Well I guess then you are wrong, you cant simply be a gay one day, if you need a place in the elite gay fraternity ,you need to earn the place...

Dilemmaaa..

The step i am making, may be its to a great mistake, But this is the only way i know to do it. If i can walk through this narrow path ,if i can reach the other side after surpassing all the adversities all the demons ,I dont know ,lord give me strength ,give me strength to show the world that its possible. If a nobody can do it, may be some one else with more talents than me can go for it with out a doubt..I have to do this not for myself, but for him tooooo...

Wind

I felt jealous, her vagueness,how flawlessly she flew through the window ,then through the leaves flowers over the mountain above the sea to everyone,Her desire for love was boundless It was impossible for anyone to stop her, She lived with no memories of yesterday she waited for none, a true free spirit, care free about her tomorrows, sometimes stopping by to say something but then without an hesitation leaving ,I know she had forgot to say something, May be how much she loved me or may be how much i failed to understand her, how much i have failed to satisfy her. But probably she knew no  women have been loved the way they are meant to be loved, the way they are meant to be devoted and the way their desires are meant to be fulfilled....

Are you confused with different goals,Then live without one

          which is worse? To live without a goal or to live confused with different goals. I cant really choose which one right now .I believe for now both are not different they are just the same. with only one difference , first person actually is ambition less, He wakes up everyday probably smiling or emotionless, Goes through the news paper, like searching for something but he don't know what he is looking for nor why he is reading it the first place, because what happens around him is not going to create a slight difference in his life style. Reaches the office late,(If he has a work of course), While all the time he is been chided by his superior for his insensitivity and insincerity towards the company he just blinks and look into the thin air like nothing matters.Evening he goes back home, do something that is little help to him or for the society then at night he gazes into the news like its a religious custom to follow while you eat and at last goes to sleep with the same emotion as he woke up
          Now the other person is full of ambition.He believes that he has the caliber to walk into the moon direct from earth, Oh he is full of positiveness. But he wakes up in the morning ,some what dull or gloomy, Because he believes he is not supposed to be here ,He thinks he belongs in the shoes of Bill Gates may be. He goes through the news paper looking for something that inspires him to do. But the problem is each and every news inspires him to do something always different from the other. For instance He sees a news about robbery ,Then he wants to become a police officer, and the next moment he sees a news about scientists discovering a new planet, oh then he wants to be an Astro physicist and at last he sees a news about couples looking for a surrogate mother ,Then I dont know how he could think of a gender change and just rent his imaginary uterus for the couples. And once he keeps the news paper down he is a jobless trying hard to create a mark in this universe,but sadly don't know what or which kind of mark he is intending to put here.And he has a funny explanation for that, since his idols have already left very different and a unique marks before, its getting impossible for him to choose one. Now he tries very hard to become everything and at last its clear than a day that he wont make it not more than being the senior jobless. And at night he too goes to sleep with just the same emotion as he woke up .Oh life sucks big time if its so. Well now  i guess we should go with out a goal rather than living confused with different goals

         
    

And the ghost taunted me (cont.)

I said to him."I am confused, I am afraid, why fate is so jealous to me, All my life i tried to do the right thing and look where I am now, covered in goop of mud,slimed with my own blood, tears and sweat "
He said, " Its not about right or wrong it never was, Right ..Wrong they are just the manifestation of the perceiver ,which of course can be manipulated to suit their convenience."
I was surprised to hear it from him.Looking steadily into his eyes i said
"I thought you are me from the past , and these are not the principles i believed"
He shook his head and gently made a smile and said
"Thats exactly what i was saying, You always tried to live by principles ,always looked at the comfort zone, fearing to put a step outside of that circle, You were like a cow that has been tied to a tree. eating all the grass that was available there,in that circle And when its over you waited and waited for the grass to grow back. Do you know what was funny?
No i dont know, you are the wise guy tell me.
"well dear there never was a tree and there was no rope tied to your neck, it was all a notion that you nurtured to make excuses to step outside to the real world , to face uncertainties, And now look at you "

The ghost of my past

Cont.
Through the filth,covered in muck i crawled forward. The vultures are very near me, Now they aren't afraid of this half dead. They know sooner or later i will give up, but will I? I asked myself again and again, Will I? I am tired, but i continued crawling.. Frayed by the hard rocks my flesh has started to come of and i can see the bones. I am afraid i may lose my consciousness. I have to get away from these creatures of death. slowly my eyes were filled with darkness and in that i saw an apparition.
Who are you?
I asked him. Even it was dark that person looked very bright ,and.gentle  I was starting to forget how a human looked like,And i never expected to find a gentleman in this no mans land
Are you here to help me? please sir help me.
He replied Yes ,I am here to help you. I am you of the past. I am here to make sure , you don't do the mistakes of the past.

The Beginning of the Crawl

CONT.

Its morning now and i wish everything was just a dream,but truth is more vivid than a dream and slowly it started to unfold in front of me,the big fall,the broken legs and arms,the crushed heart. I don't want to lie here one more day wasting,crying. So i decided to crawl. Even if my strength was at its fullest ,it would be a hell of a journey climbing up, and now i had to do it with my dying spirit. But if i give up here i will die for nothing and its even worse than live for nothing .
The time is flying like the vultures circling around my head.They had already started to feast on my skin chafed away on the rocks. Their scream is echoing inside my head,saying GIVE UP,GIVE UP GIVE UP.....If I continue this journey, even if I reach at the top i will die there.But that won't be an excuse to give up here while my heart is still beating and my lungs is still breathing.And i will never ever share my body to slake the hunger of nay Sayers.PERIOD..