Regret about the choices we made

 Regret about the choices we made

For many years it was something that had always hurted me, I used to think what if I have took a different road, would it have taken me somewhere happier, why I chose this one with despair and sorrow, It kept on poking every day and the weekends were awful. I was depressed and hurted and to hurt myself i would go for long runs, i would keep on pushing to a point that would make me suffocate for air, running in the rain was something i loved, so that it would give me the freedom to cry, I found out that no bodily pain could hurt when your mind is distressed. Running was the medicine i had for passive depression i was felling into, i knew i couldnt keep on running to cure this feeling, but the long solo time i had during the run took me to deep thought, it was the most soulful solo thing I have ever done, it was a meditation in its own way. The endorphins did a magical effect and the runners high was real, and at some point i started to think this -out of the countless permutation and combination of choices i foresaken for the one which place me here today, i chose it and why? The answer seemed to be clearer this time when the mind was freed from the clouds of self doubt. This one is the only reality I have, everything else is just a manifestation of the mind of could have beens which never existed. But this answer was not enough, i needed something to hold to, to concretely believe that this is the best choice i have ever made, and for that i needed a miracle. You dont need miracles in your life to believe in miracles, we have read stories about disasters and countless narratives people shared about how their last minute choice saved them from a disaster, how a last minute cancelation of ticket made sure they never took that trip, some say it as the work of a guardian angel,If you call that miracle dont you think that miracle just happened in your life too, what ever choices you ever made in your life, they made sure that you were never close to that disaster.The point i am making is simply this,you may think you have unknowingly chosen a path in your life but out of the possible countless millions of path available you chose this because deep down inside the subconscious mind (guardian angel)you know this is the only path were your time line has longetivity, everything else you would never know what would have happened along the way,This path may not be easy, or pretty or great but this is the only path were you exist.The thought about mortality is an eye opener a perspective shifter. To think the worse in every other possibilities of life will allow you to love this one more, how bad it seems it is.

To my daughter

 All those years wondering and failing to understand why?

But once I saw your eyes ,

Like the sun on the dawn breaking from the horizon.

Everything looked clear

All those pain I had I would have taken with a smile

If I knew all those roads lead to you.

 you are what that gives meaning to this vast ocean of absurdness

Which we call  life

And you are the  only reason the sun shall shine again for me

I may be a million things tomorrow

But Being your father is the only living I know

Everything else is mere existence."

A Teacher

 If you measure the success of a teacher based on how fat the pay cheque is then probably ninety percent of them would fall short . A teachers success should be evaluated based on how much lives he or she  have transformed, but this being immeasurable and arbitrary no body will see it, but some will experience it and that some will come to you to tell how much you mean to them , I call that success.

Imagine a mountain cliff and you are told that if you go beyond it then there is a serene landscape a dream land called success waiting for you, then you will look for the rope hanging from the cliff. somebody should go before you so that you could get a rope and make your climb easy.  will you be remembering him while using the rope?. and if you climb up and then at the end of the rope you see that there is big rock protruding outside and the top is still a hand far away from your reach , you will stay there confused and perplexed not knowing what to do, but then you see a hand coming down from the top ready to grab you, and you let him pull you up to the top, so that you could take off from there in search of your dream land, and as you move forward you realize that the person who pulled you up is still waiting there for the next person to come. He had the opportunity and time to look for the dream land but he chose to stay so that many could reach where they want to. probably many could sleep peacefully in their dream land , but this person will never be able to close his eyes knowing that many are in need of him at the bottom of the  cliff tip.

Letters to my love 1

 The day you were born, I was afraid to hold you in my arms

you were so small, but the doctor said you are chubby

still i was afraid, I wonder can something so small can be

so terrifying and so beautiful at the same time,

It took me a week to gain courage to hold you in my arms

and three months to carry you around

but since then I have never let you down 

never ever from my heart

but still i will give you a nice pinch when you bite me with your little teeth...

A walk along the memory lane

Paul gazed far into the horizon, the sun was starting to disappear into the sea, and the thirteen-year-old mind couldn't comprehend where all the water and the Sun were going, what's there at the end of this sea? Is it a big cliff where the waterfall and the hot burning sun is drenched so that the light disappears and the night starts

Suddenly he was startled by the girl sitting near him in the bus seat, she held his hands tightly as the bus suddenly came to a halt, 

"come its our stop" she shouted enthusiastically

Paul wondered why Sarah was willing to accompany him, she was a tenth-standard student in his school and always showed interest in his talks and stories, she reminded him about someone he knew but couldn't remember who it was, maybe in some other life she was his close kin so he thought. But if it wasn't for Sarah, he wouldn't have taken the bus to see Annah, he wouldn't have the courage to go to her home.

Annah and Paul have known each other since their nursery days. Studied in the same class and sat on the same bench many times, but he never felt like this before, one day in their seventh class suddenly out of nowhere during prayer time he saw her looking at him, when their eyes locked he couldn't breathe it was like a sudden jolt into his belly, he sat down. Maybe she was looking at something else, why would the most beautiful girl in his class have to look at him, he couldn't make sense of what was going on, for the next year Paul was caught in this cat and mouse game. He was too afraid to talk with Annah, Sarah was sure that Annah had a crush on Paul, but Paul wasn't so sure.

As the class ended for the year Paul heard that Annah had taken transfer from the school, After the summer holidays Annah and her parents were relocating somewhere else and that was his last chance to meet her and tell her what she meant for him. Paul approached Sarah and told her he wanted to visit her Annah for one last time, Sarah without even hesitating for a second agreed to go with him.

Sarah pressed the calling bell of the house, it was a small but beautiful house with bougainvillea forming an arc-like entrance into the home, there were trees everywhere, and on the side, there was a garden. Suddenly a man in his mid-forties came near the door,

Sarah looked at Paul and then said to the man "We are close acquaints of Annamma, paulichan and Annamma are classmates. He greeted the duo warmly and received them into the dining room, there were other people sitting in the room, and on the table, there were tea-filled glasses and snacks. Sarah took some snacks but Paul looked around to see Annah. Seeing Paul looking around the man said with a smile

"I have heard a lot about you in the past year, but didn't expect to see you, she would be very happy, come she is in the garden I shall take you.

Sarah watched them both walking away sipping her cup of tea. A septuagenarian sitting next to her placed her hands on Sarah's hands and the other hand pointing in the direction Paul went, she gently asked

"Isn't it Paul"

Sarah replied," Yes granny, how do you know him?"

"That birthmark on his forehead, Annah always talked about it, she thought it was like the mark on her cat's face, beautiful! For the past year, she didn't have much to talk about, for Alzheimer's has drowned her memory" There were tears in Annamma's sister's eyes when she talked

Hearing it Sarah jumped "What! Paul Achaachan is also suffering from Alzheimer's, he hasn't talked to anybody for the past few months, but the previous week when he saw Annamma's obituary, he couldn't stop talking about his seventh class, probably he only remembers that"

"well that can't be a coincidence, Aannah was talking about the same period only, I wonder what they would have shared if for once they could have sat somewhere and talked" exclaimed Annah's sister

Somewhere in the garden, Paul sat a little far from Annah's grave. His eyes were still as if he could see her spirit, he sat there like the thirteen years they were looking at each other, fearing to go near and talk, but if eyes could converse then they had talked enough for a lifetime

DAWN OF THE LOVE

There is so much i want to tell you

but this life isnt enough

there is a lot to see 

but i dont want to see it alone

Come with me 

we shall walk , 

whats there to rush

for there is a life time ahead

and the lives to follow

tell me you love me

again one more time

for it always feels afresh

and making me want to

wake up fresh

again one more time

for you are the hope

that breaks with the dawn

the last journey

when you look into those eyes, you know there is n't any place in this world you should be right now but here, because the whole world is here, in front of you, in those brown round eyes, and right now I can see myself inside it, is this unbearable lightness of being is called love? or is this grief, for i know I wont be inside it forever, but this feeling, to know that it wont last forever make it more alive , so should i be happy for this moment or sad for the later tomorrows, do i need to be sad right now, no i dont have to, there will be number of years waiting in tomorrows to fall into grief in these memories, but there is only one today to be happy .I call this poem the last journey
 the last journey
" we can take that hike we always talked
backpacking through the wilderness of the mountains
lets choose the roads never treaded before
asking directions to the shadows of strangers
and the skeletons of those sleeping in the paths
and go see places unseen holding our hands
gaping our mouth in awe and then laughing at each other
For the funny faces that we made
and make memories for a lifetime ,before we part ways
as you take that last flight , in the midnight of a cold december
I shall hold your waist close to mine and then
press my lips into yours, and then walk away
not looking back, I want to but I cant
For I am not good at goodbyes