I feel alone!

 I feel alone

You cant feel it but i am

hide and seek in time

 Lets play hide and seek in time

And jump to the child once we were

Come and catch me—
But don’t take me anywhere,
Leave me in it.

I don’t say it was easy ,
But I know somebody cared there
When I cried.

here i cry because 

nobody cares if i cry

 

Regret about the choices we made

 Regret about the choices we made

For many years it was something that had always hurted me, I used to think what if I have took a different road, would it have taken me somewhere happier, why I chose this one with despair and sorrow, It kept on poking every day and the weekends were awful. I was depressed and hurted and to hurt myself i would go for long runs, i would keep on pushing to a point that would make me suffocate for air, running in the rain was something i loved, so that it would give me the freedom to cry, I found out that no bodily pain could hurt when your mind is distressed. Running was the medicine i had for passive depression i was felling into, i knew i couldnt keep on running to cure this feeling, but the long solo time i had during the run took me to deep thought, it was the most soulful solo thing I have ever done, it was a meditation in its own way. The endorphins did a magical effect and the runners high was real, and at some point i started to think this -out of the countless permutation and combination of choices i foresaken for the one which place me here today, i chose it and why? The answer seemed to be clearer this time when the mind was freed from the clouds of self doubt. This one is the only reality I have, everything else is just a manifestation of the mind of could have beens which never existed. But this answer was not enough, i needed something to hold to, to concretely believe that this is the best choice i have ever made, and for that i needed a miracle. You dont need miracles in your life to believe in miracles, we have read stories about disasters and countless narratives people shared about how their last minute choice saved them from a disaster, how a last minute cancelation of ticket made sure they never took that trip, some say it as the work of a guardian angel,If you call that miracle dont you think that miracle just happened in your life too, what ever choices you ever made in your life, they made sure that you were never close to that disaster.The point i am making is simply this,you may think you have unknowingly chosen a path in your life but out of the possible countless millions of path available you chose this because deep down inside the subconscious mind (guardian angel)you know this is the only path were your time line has longetivity, everything else you would never know what would have happened along the way,This path may not be easy, or pretty or great but this is the only path were you exist.The thought about mortality is an eye opener a perspective shifter. To think the worse in every other possibilities of life will allow you to love this one more, how bad it seems it is.

To my daughter

 All those years wondering and failing to understand why?

But once I saw your eyes ,

Like the sun on the dawn breaking from the horizon.

Everything looked clear

All those pain I had I would have taken with a smile

If I knew all those roads lead to you.

 you are what that gives meaning to this vast ocean of absurdness

Which we call  life

And you are the  only reason the sun shall shine again for me

I may be a million things tomorrow

But Being your father is the only living I know

Everything else is mere existence."

A Teacher

 If you measure the success of a teacher based on how fat the pay cheque is then probably ninety percent of them would fall short . A teachers success should be evaluated based on how much lives he or she  have transformed, but this being immeasurable and arbitrary no body will see it, but some will experience it and that some will come to you to tell how much you mean to them , I call that success.

Imagine a mountain cliff and you are told that if you go beyond it then there is a serene landscape a dream land called success waiting for you, then you will look for the rope hanging from the cliff. somebody should go before you so that you could get a rope and make your climb easy.  will you be remembering him while using the rope?. and if you climb up and then at the end of the rope you see that there is big rock protruding outside and the top is still a hand far away from your reach , you will stay there confused and perplexed not knowing what to do, but then you see a hand coming down from the top ready to grab you, and you let him pull you up to the top, so that you could take off from there in search of your dream land, and as you move forward you realize that the person who pulled you up is still waiting there for the next person to come. He had the opportunity and time to look for the dream land but he chose to stay so that many could reach where they want to. probably many could sleep peacefully in their dream land , but this person will never be able to close his eyes knowing that many are in need of him at the bottom of the  cliff tip.

Letters to my love 1

 The day you were born, I was afraid to hold you in my arms

you were so small, but the doctor said you are chubby

still i was afraid, I wonder can something so small can be

so terrifying and so beautiful at the same time,

It took me a week to gain courage to hold you in my arms

and three months to carry you around

but since then I have never let you down 

never ever from my heart

but still i will give you a nice pinch when you bite me with your little teeth...

A walk along the memory lane

Paul gazed far into the horizon, the sun was starting to disappear into the sea, and the thirteen-year-old mind couldn't comprehend where all the water and the Sun were going, what's there at the end of this sea? Is it a big cliff where the waterfall and the hot burning sun is drenched so that the light disappears and the night starts

Suddenly he was startled by the girl sitting near him in the bus seat, she held his hands tightly as the bus suddenly came to a halt, 

"come its our stop" she shouted enthusiastically

Paul wondered why Sarah was willing to accompany him, she was a tenth-standard student in his school and always showed interest in his talks and stories, she reminded him about someone he knew but couldn't remember who it was, maybe in some other life she was his close kin so he thought. But if it wasn't for Sarah, he wouldn't have taken the bus to see Annah, he wouldn't have the courage to go to her home.

Annah and Paul have known each other since their nursery days. Studied in the same class and sat on the same bench many times, but he never felt like this before, one day in their seventh class suddenly out of nowhere during prayer time he saw her looking at him, when their eyes locked he couldn't breathe it was like a sudden jolt into his belly, he sat down. Maybe she was looking at something else, why would the most beautiful girl in his class have to look at him, he couldn't make sense of what was going on, for the next year Paul was caught in this cat and mouse game. He was too afraid to talk with Annah, Sarah was sure that Annah had a crush on Paul, but Paul wasn't so sure.

As the class ended for the year Paul heard that Annah had taken transfer from the school, After the summer holidays Annah and her parents were relocating somewhere else and that was his last chance to meet her and tell her what she meant for him. Paul approached Sarah and told her he wanted to visit her Annah for one last time, Sarah without even hesitating for a second agreed to go with him.

Sarah pressed the calling bell of the house, it was a small but beautiful house with bougainvillea forming an arc-like entrance into the home, there were trees everywhere, and on the side, there was a garden. Suddenly a man in his mid-forties came near the door,

Sarah looked at Paul and then said to the man "We are close acquaints of Annamma, paulichan and Annamma are classmates. He greeted the duo warmly and received them into the dining room, there were other people sitting in the room, and on the table, there were tea-filled glasses and snacks. Sarah took some snacks but Paul looked around to see Annah. Seeing Paul looking around the man said with a smile

"I have heard a lot about you in the past year, but didn't expect to see you, she would be very happy, come she is in the garden I shall take you.

Sarah watched them both walking away sipping her cup of tea. A septuagenarian sitting next to her placed her hands on Sarah's hands and the other hand pointing in the direction Paul went, she gently asked

"Isn't it Paul"

Sarah replied," Yes granny, how do you know him?"

"That birthmark on his forehead, Annah always talked about it, she thought it was like the mark on her cat's face, beautiful! For the past year, she didn't have much to talk about, for Alzheimer's has drowned her memory" There were tears in Annamma's sister's eyes when she talked

Hearing it Sarah jumped "What! Paul Achaachan is also suffering from Alzheimer's, he hasn't talked to anybody for the past few months, but the previous week when he saw Annamma's obituary, he couldn't stop talking about his seventh class, probably he only remembers that"

"well that can't be a coincidence, Aannah was talking about the same period only, I wonder what they would have shared if for once they could have sat somewhere and talked" exclaimed Annah's sister

Somewhere in the garden, Paul sat a little far from Annah's grave. His eyes were still as if he could see her spirit, he sat there like the thirteen years they were looking at each other, fearing to go near and talk, but if eyes could converse then they had talked enough for a lifetime

DAWN OF THE LOVE

There is so much i want to tell you

but this life isnt enough

there is a lot to see 

but i dont want to see it alone

Come with me 

we shall walk , 

whats there to rush

for there is a life time ahead

and the lives to follow

tell me you love me

again one more time

for it always feels afresh

and making me want to

wake up fresh

again one more time

for you are the hope

that breaks with the dawn

the last journey

when you look into those eyes, you know there is n't any place in this world you should be right now but here, because the whole world is here, in front of you, in those brown round eyes, and right now I can see myself inside it, is this unbearable lightness of being is called love? or is this grief, for i know I wont be inside it forever, but this feeling, to know that it wont last forever make it more alive , so should i be happy for this moment or sad for the later tomorrows, do i need to be sad right now, no i dont have to, there will be number of years waiting in tomorrows to fall into grief in these memories, but there is only one today to be happy .I call this poem the last journey
 the last journey
" we can take that hike we always talked
backpacking through the wilderness of the mountains
lets choose the roads never treaded before
asking directions to the shadows of strangers
and the skeletons of those sleeping in the paths
and go see places unseen holding our hands
gaping our mouth in awe and then laughing at each other
For the funny faces that we made
and make memories for a lifetime ,before we part ways
as you take that last flight , in the midnight of a cold december
I shall hold your waist close to mine and then
press my lips into yours, and then walk away
not looking back, I want to but I cant
For I am not good at goodbyes

Love and Religion

Do I qualify to talk about love , this, my journey is in search of that answer. Whatever you are going to read may sound unreal sometimes, so is love, it can be beyond the reality that we can perceive but once you open your heart and see beyond my words, you will realize that it is real, it has flesh , it has blood, pain happiness and it is as real as you and me

It was on a heavy rain that i walked with her, I couldn't see the road nor the trees on my left or the river on my right, not because of the heavy rain , but i couldn't take my eyes off her beautiful face.Even in that cold damp day , i could feel heat running into my nerves flowing from her body to mine . It was not love i had for her , it I called divine.

But precious is not meant to stay with us forever, as i watched on that day she slipped into the river and disappeared in front of my eyes. What can I do in that moment. There isn’t much we can do sometimes in life, but rather be a spectator and the world will do the performance , you can just sit down on the chairs and watch it, and cry or laugh depending on what the world will play for you, whatever you do at that moment it doesn't matter , your script is written and you cant change it. You may take different road but all leads to the same place and that day I was just a spectator when the Idol I worshiped and loved slipped into river and washed away in front of my eyes. But I couldn't let things just slip away , I am not that person, I know its all written somewhere but till my last breath i shall try to write my own in it. So When i gained consciousness I ran behind her, I ran and ran , she was nowhere to be seen but love will not let me to stop not till she says so, but she wants me to run for her and I did, days turned into nights, rivers turned into seas, rocks into mountains, and plants to trees but my love didn't turned into anything , just plain but love.

if you are a seeker and your heart is pure , then love will never deceit you but will lead to the truth, and my truth was her, and i reached at the banks of a river where I found devotees who was worshiping the goddess whom once was mine, and was rightfully mine. How can I claim back the idol of my temple, i decided to do a crime as i thought to rob my idol from their temple, but how can it be crime if i take something which belongs to me, the world did something unlawful and i only decided to undo it, but will everyone see it that way, Religion can make people blind frantic and Fanatic and my religion was love , and what was theirs?

I was caught on the broad day light trying to steal their goddess , the mob has their own justice, the transgressions on religion they call the heinous of crimes and i was stripped naked in front of her and was whipped with lashes that innumerable, you want to cry but will you cry in front of your love? I wont , It wasn't the lashes that hurt me, but it was the silence of those in powers , doesn't the goddess they devote have the power to stop them, It was godlessness they did and she kept waiting and waiting to raise the sound, but who would hear those voice, its a stone that they are praying to, and stones wont talk, Not even if its their God

As i waited for the inevitable lying naked ,tied to a tree i realized ,the pursuit of love is happiness, but as the journey ends some wounds wont heal and new might always evolve, and yet those wounds will make you feel you are alive

the tide and the shore

How much it seems that we were in love,
 that much we were running away from each other.
Some times she kept roaring and lashing towards me,
 letting me go blind on the vigorous tides of love
that foamed over my sandy skin
and then peeling each and every grain of my body
while she retreated towards her sea,
 Is this the pain of love, if pain is what thats left in loving
 then i want to be in this pain for ever ,
 I dont want to feel numb running away from emotions,
dead on a beach like these sand grains,
 No i want to feel alive on her tides,
  i want to fall deep into her bossom
and then lose myself and to sleep forever in her shell
 and then one day i might become a pearl that she treasures.

So Estranged

the retribution for the sins

I walked through the hells corridor

the hot metallic floor where 

the bones melt like candles

I felt no pain, lonely as i walked

No physical torment shall be felt

when ever heart is sore

Is that a blessing 

I think rather not

for Your heart sinks and tears drop

If only I could feel whats outside

to forget whats inside

I feel numb and cold

as I burned in the hell's flame

I wonder is this what I will feel

for the rest of my life

So estranged.............

Present is my home address

I stood there in the broken path

dazed and confused

i dont know the way to my home

nor where do I live

Some said i lived in the past

and others thought i lived in future

but I am dazed and confused

I should tell everyone that i live at the present

but how i could prove them

For the worries have misted my path

and home is far

yet in between future and past

A bus ride

What do i have in this journey
inside the bus looking outside
I am going to my destination with a crowd\
yet i am alone
Not the person on my right
nor on the back knows who I am
But i dont complain
I am as stranger to him as he is to me
He is going as fast as I am , in the same route
to the same place, but we are not alike
but we both want to survive
our silence doesnt make us hate each other
nor our unwillingness to smile
but i ask , why we dont care
about the person who is sitting so close to us?
I can smell his day's work
yet i dont care nor does he
life is becoming so void of emotions
like this bus ride
I dont care any more or less but i am surviving this journey
till the destination is here

waiting for the rain to end

i waited in the shades for
the rain to drop one by one
watching the colors of the bow
dripping with the drops
slowly fading from the sky

days are black and white
colorless , as a soulless man
grumpy and old
yet i have to love it as my own
For you are its creation

 how long do i need to stay inside
waiting for this rain to end
and in the end regret is that we all have
and i am confused to wait or not
For Am I in the right place
Where did my old umbrella go?
why is its clothes so fade
but once in the rain
it doesnt matter
for nobody cares its colors
but you have it or not

the jungle

I sowed and walked, not knowing what
and unaware of the time i kept walking
till one day when time has come to return
i looked back to see that I sowed have grown
into trees shrubs and vines
concealing my path inside a jungle
that so ignorantly i have made
and lost forever without a trail
so i tell my fellow travelers
those who walk sowing
you can be ignorant of your destination
but not about what you sow
For it might become a jungle
that engulf you forever

Does it worth it

i keep looking for you, the faces passing by i know its not you but i might come across you , walking against me with your friends and you will move those hairs that has fallen on your face to the side with your hands, laughing at the jokes your friend might have cracked and then i will watch you flowing along with that crowd far far away, but i wont follow you , but i shall keep looking for you in the opposite direction you have walked and then again and again i will see you walking past me,repeating those sequence like in an infinite loop but why i am not following you, do you wonder why? because one day you might realise my face, and you might ask yourself why you are seeing my face repeatedly over time, you will gaze into my eyes with curiosity, your eyes will ask me , who are you? then i shall come after you taking all those steps that you had taken imprinting my foot print on yours , you might look back at me each and every second out of curiosity and when the curiosity dies you will stop looking back at me, for you know even if you dont see me following. i will follow you to the end of this road, at the end when you look back , you are surprised to see many behind you ,only then you realise you havent looked back for long that you have forgotten my face, and when you try remembering my face, the people will walk past you looking at you and you will see me in them but wont realise thats me, i will keep walking hoping that i might hear a hello from the back , and when i am far , too far to hear that hello, i will forbid myself to look back, because i learned that it doesnt worth it.....

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we are comrades

even if the enemy is imaginary the fight is real
For we are in a war zone
Nobody remembers those who succumbed
who fell or quit before the fight
but the martyrs and the triumphers
who live immortal in their minds
fear not when you see your comrades fall
not when blood drips as tears from their eyes
They had fell not for you to stop
or mourn in their departure
but they leave the burden on your shoulders
as you take the road to eternity
they live in you to see the prideful crowd
For they are the martyrs who made you triumph

the hero in the sky

Where are these clouds running away
but I see one still
letting all pass by him
as if he is waiting here for someone

The wind is heavy, yet how come
He takes his place so still
and raining heavily on a chill drawn day
and yet all the other children's of sky running away


What might he be feeling now to watch all his brothers moving away from him, and he cant move a finger, to freeze in this cold night and then rain and rain and then disappear like he never existed more i thought about him ,i started to feel the coldness of the wind , Its not rain that been falling from him it must be his tears, its not thunder thats been banging it must be his gasps, i went towards him the closer i got it felt that he is int sad, i saw his smile flashing with the thunder which i thought was his sobs , but rather it was his laughters. I looked at him and asked, arent you sad that your brothers are leaving, and you are here alone in this chilly wind. He looked at me and replied
If you start running when the wind becomes heavy, then there wont be a time you stop running, the wind is always heavy and they chose to leave and i chose to stay, and this rain is not my tears as you might imagine, but its my sweat , my perspiration to keep me here. I may die this night , but before i go you will see the colorful crown over my head, The  rain or this rainbow are as good as nothing to me, but for the people down there , for the children down there it means something, once you have the ability to see beyond yourself, you will realise that what ever you are where ever you are, there is still a lot you can do for others, and those who could help others even in their peril, they are called heroes , and i want to die here in this night as a hero, not as a coward who ran away when the wind got heavy ,
when i walked back i asked myself what am I?

A stranger

you dont have to cry anymore little one,
  i find you, you are not alone,
 I know home, far away where these tracks meet
, i shall walk you there,
  dont you see it far and far,
where the sun sets these tracks meet
Mother is waiting for you to come with teary eyes
And papa might be in his seats
looking away into the sky, thinking about your return,
 So lets walk with that weary slippers of yours
 as worn as your mind, ready to break any time now,
you dont have to hide them nor your tears
for i am not here to judge but to take you home
are you afraid of this stranger
who walks  you through this lonely track lying close
in search of their meeting place
where he claims the home is?