Monday 19 December 2016

helpless

Their jealousy were fuming for years
And they were hungry for her flesh
thirsty for her tears
but little did she knew
for all were her friends

And on an unexpected day
when she was her most vulnerable and defenseless
they were all over her
and she watched their dagger
dripping her blood
peeling her skin, tortured her day and night

and when the dawn was near
they were all ready to leave
smiling at each other with relief
and then they dressed her wounds
wished her fast recovery
and bid goodbye

For they shall return when she is well
And all the while what i could do
was to stand there and watch
watch her suffer in their hands
And stand there and watch helplessly

Wednesday 9 November 2016

But i wouldn't be righteous in my own eyes

I hope i have answers to your questions, i hope i know the way like the route to my home. but i am lost , lost in the lowest point of this valley, i am uncertain about each steps i take , the way ahead the people behind me , the people in front of me, i am blinded by the smog of uncertainity. the only thing that pushes me forward is that invisible force, that i call my god. I believe i may get into in wrong path , tread through stones and thorns but some how i will manage to get into the right path, because i am an instrument in his hands

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

I will rot here , the carcass would feed thousands of vultures, but as i take my last breath i shall not ask him why, because i know its not about me. In the bigger script of his I am not the Hero nor the villain I am just the Jr . artist who comes from nowhere and go to nowhere, but I will be thankful to him for allowing me a to play this role, and i will play it to perfection

"But i wouldn't be righteous in  my own eyes". let him judge and make the judgement

Saturday 1 October 2016

What is the reality?

When I was a little kid I always dreamed of owning a cycle, imagining going to the school in it, riding and chasing the wind ,  the cold breeze caressing my hairs when I ride on it. So please guess how happy I was  when I really had a new bicycle?  well, I am sorry to disappoint you by saying that I wasn't happy at all when I had it. I bought my top gear when I was in college and that time most of my friends were riding their motorbike.

 When I had the dream of owning a cycle,I was happy in it , I could feel the joy even after I woke up from my dream, it was as if I have lived in the dream. Then when I actually bought one I didn't take it to college I was embarrassed to take it, I felt sad for not owning a pulsar which would be so cool if I rode with my sunglasses on. But today when I look back and think about it I feel perplexed thinking which one was actually the reality. The dream in which I rode the bicycle happily or the time in which I rode the cycle embarrassingly . If you say that the one in which our body need to be present is the reality. then I would assert that in my dream I had my body. Now you can debate that the one in which you are in and could be perceived by others apart from you is considered as the reality. Then my theory about dream could be my reality would seem to be a flawed one.

So are those what we can see or feel with our sense organs the only reality. Then we will have a conflict with reality. Assume you are walking your dog and suddenly you see a rainbow and tell your dog how beautiful it is ,having seven colors so bright , and at that moment your dog would stop you and then say, "wait a second , is there something wrong with you? are you really glorifying this dull yellow ,blue and dark band", it doesn't matter how hard you try to convince him about the beauty of rainbow still it would assert you that it isn't beautiful. Because dogs can't see that range of colors and the fact that the dog doesn't perceive it the way you do doesn't make the rainbow any less real. Which obviously give light to one thing, whatever we could perceive is not the ultimate but a fraction of the unknown, the real world or the reality is out there laughing and mocking at us when we say that we know it all. The truth is we don't know it all. We know whatever we are aware of. I can give you an example that I heard of. Look around in your room you have to memorize all the things which have the green color , memorize it thoroughly,which I will later ask you to remember.
Now  close your eyes and try to remember all things that were red color in your room,no no I didn't say it wrong. As you were looking for green it actually kept your awareness away from red objects because you can't remember all the red things in your room doesn't make it invisible. it is always there but you weren't looking for it. So don't you think it is possible that our life could be coexistent with something more than what we perceived as us. I am not implying anything. I am just asking questions because I am curious

lets come back to the dream, Today it doesn't matter whether the dream was  or the other one was the reality because looking back both ones seems to be as insignificant as the other, whether I was happy riding it or sad it doesn't have anything to do with my present state of being. I can say that the dream wasn't the reality the one which I rode the bicycle embarrassingly wasn't the reality either but today this moment is the only reality I have. But thinking about it a question popped into my mind, what happens to today when I turn sixty? How insignificant the problems of today will seem to be for  the old myself.


So is this moment the reality or that when I turn old is the reality? To know it more I need to tell the story of king Janaka. Janaka was a Just king, one day he was sleeping in his palace and suddenly he saw his soldier running towards him crying about the attack made by his enemies. King Janaka fought a ferocious war to defend his country but he was defeated and then his enemy king exiled him from his kingdom. So there was Janaka walking with torn clothes and beaten body begging for food . Finally, he reached the neighboring kingdom and he found a long Que of beggars waiting for food. Because of hunger  this King joined them  when misery comes, it will come in a herd and that's exactly what happened to Janaka. when his turn came to have food the food was over, but seeing the condition of the king the supplier got very sympathetic , so he asked him whether he would take the starch, King Janaka took it from him and when he was ready to drink it a crow flew from the branch and spilled it from his hands. That was enough for the king to lose his emotions, he cried loud lying in the mud
    Hearing the sound of the king a soldier came to Janaka and asked him what happened, then only Janaka realized that he was having a nightmare . This made Janaka ask himself one question which he uttered to everyone till he met his guru Ashtavakra . He asked Ashtavakra " was that I saw in sleep a dream(or the reality) or is this I am in now is a dream(or the reality)?. To which Aashtavakra replied when you were in the dream did you have the kingdom, your precious stones , the queen , ministers and all that you have now, to which Janaka replied "no".  Then Aashtavakra said, "well then it wasn't the reality". Hearing this Janaka curiously asked him , "so is that what I am in now the reality". for which Ashtavakra replied" do you have the same depression, sadness, and loneliness that you felt in the dream with you today", Janaka replied "no" for that too. Ashtavakra continued " my King then this is also not  the reality, the only thing that was real during the both experience was you , so you are the only reality.
The happiness sadness  and all the emotions are temporary, they won't define you, it could create a ripple on you externally, but we need to understand that the real you is not the external the outward turbulent water flowing on the river but you are the inner currents  that flow isolated from all those external happenings. As Mandukya Upanishad has pointed out years before that we are not the person that is awake, nor the person who is dreaming or not the person who is sound asleep in a blank space but we are the fourth form which is beyond our imaginations to understand , but once we understand it then we shall know that we all transcends beyond our body, beyond our differences in politics, our differences in thoughts, our external color or beauty. But we all are one who is interconnected like a big world wide web.
   I know it sounds crazy but the idea of interconnected unimaginative formless you is not a novel one ,The Hindu wisdom tells about sages who conducted intergalactic travels and transferred their soul from one body to another. I know now I am treading a narrow path between fiction and philosophy which could always raise eyebrows of the reader. But this kind of travel we do this every day unknowingly. Assume you are watching the footages of a war on your television , the Syrian crisis. And when you see the images of Omar Daqneesh , the little boy who lost everything in a second or the image of Aailan Qurdi , the Syrian refugee kid whose body was washed up on the seashore , we feel pain , an unbearable sadness that can transform into tears. Why is it so? It's not happening to you , it's something happening miles and miles away from you but still, you can feel a fraction of what they felt. Well, we have already named it as compassion or sympathy. Now think about someone without these powers to think and feel from the point of view of another human being  like Hitler or Mussolini. Then they will surely raise eyebrows thinking what the hell we were talking about by saying that we could feel the pain of Ailan or Omran. This  exactly sounds like us when we question the existence of one interconnected system that we can't imagine. What if this power of sympathy is only a tip of what you could actually do.
I know i have tread a long path in this essay but let me paraphrase it and conclude this by saying that Nothing around you is as real as you. You may feel that your aspirations , your happiness,sadness , the worries, the anxieties about future and everything to be real, but they are just illusions , which will transform into something else in the near future, but what will remain is you , not the external you or not the mind ,but something that transcends both of them. But it is not different from the person next to you, but you and him are both the same. Just like the copper wire and utensil can be both different for a customer but for the metalsmith both are the same, the copper itself. So its high time that we keep away our differences and treat everyone the way we would like the world to treat us.

Monday 15 August 2016

A promise

   I felt very uncomfortable there, sitting between two old timers trying to dig up their past , sometimes around the back of my face , in front of my face as well. i should better stand up and  leave , thats what i usually does after eating the food in a marriage function, if my brother reads this he may be wondering which all marriages i have attended so far. its true that i go out seldom and only when it is inevitable and of very high priority. well in his words i am too lazy to go out . but its not about laziness, i am so tired of facing people's questions about my future , i would love to tell them that i dont own that magic ball to look into when i get confused about the future plans, but that would be very rude. So better stay home and dodge the Q's before they arrive, Voila
   But i dont want to miss this one, i know her ever since i learned to play Tag. she was my partner of crimes, but more than my best buddies marriage it was that girl with yellow frock and black spots i was looking forward to..How can an eight year old knew about love and adoration , may be it was those movies that i was watching at that time.
    I know that i am not here to revive that old love story of mine, but i am here to return something that she asked me too keep safe twenty years before, before she left to her home in US after the vacation. i put my hands inside my pocket and slowly rubbed that marble balls together, the green was mine and the blue was hers, she promised me that she will return one day to collect it from me, and i promised her to keep it safe.I havent kept it out of my sight ever since i had it,

     I saw my pal all dressed up in her wedding gown walking towards me , wow how couldnt i see she was this beautiful before? with her there was she and a handsome guy , well i am not a gay but looking at that guy i lost my breath because he was that hot and i prayed that he may be some cousin of her's but, some times you could only do is praying and the next moment you realize that there isnt much hope doing so.
  She came near me hold my hand and asked laughingly "are you our fatso? i cant believe this". yeah sometimes in the past i used to be a little plumb . i laughed and i was glad that she remembered me.
  "well i hope this will make you believe" i took the blue marble ball from my pocket and handed it to her
  she looked at it, then to my face and then again into that ball , blue like the deep ocean , mystic like our minds, her laughter disappeared from her face , and in that moment the hot guy came and took her with him into the crowds, before she disappeared she looked again at me, and at that moment i know the twenty years of waiting for her wasnt the hardest but this was  , i saw her fading away into the midst of the crowd holding hands with her fiancee ,

"  Our life is the promise we make with today that we will wake up tomorrow and meet it then"
keep your promises no matter what
Kamal VV

Saturday 6 August 2016

Expectation

I will burn in the fire of expectation
their world has created for me
and when the flames are over
The ashes fly , but there will be
a part of me still beating
that will resurrect and chase my own world

Friday 8 July 2016

But not with my consent

somebody thought i will be a good shade for the travellers when i grew up
I was planted ,but not with my consent ,
i didn't choose this place But i thank him for choosing it for me
For i know i couldnt have found this place

The nature adopted me, nurturing and feeding me with her love
And i dont remember the time flying by
For i became a tree in no time
but i remember the birds flying away from me every while

The travellers came and went , never looking back
i too felt to walk with them , to travel places unknown
but my roots have went deep, but not with my consent
and i was caught here , nowhere to go, no-one  to love

I was afraid to love, for it wasnt easy to say goodbye everyday
But thats what i thought in the summer, and spring
Till the winter, And then there wasnt anyone to come for me
And that was harder than to say goodbye

So thats what i thought till autumn, when my leaves were shed
and i was bald as a senile, abhorrent to those who passed by
i felt to run and hide, but my roots were deep, but not with my consent
And i know love isnt something for all, but for chosen some.
So dare not to take it for granted ,not even for a moment




Tuesday 5 July 2016

A rainy evening

waiting under the shades
looking away vague and distant
that my eyes could reach
that my mind could reach
but this rain is getting heavy
why i am reluctant to step out
From this shades
i am all wet and drenched already
I should follow my heart
walk into the heavy down pour
arms spread , embracing the coldness
The chilled water from the heavens Sink
pouring down , My bones would freeze
But it will cleanse my fears away
 And just carry on walking Till
I reach where my mind is

Saturday 4 June 2016

night

I stood there on the door side
head leaning onto the wooden plank
looking away in search of the imaginary world
into the dark listening to the music
the night has played for me

That night cried heavily sometimes
then sobbing as she missed someone
Her breath languished from the might
Inviting me into her

The fear has pounced on my mind
twisting and smothering my desires
then swallowing like a monstrous python
and i was left there afraid
Not knowing whats there outside waiting

Soon the dawn has returned
And the night has left without me
without saying what she had for me waiting
And i was left there bewildered
For i will never know what i missed



Monday 16 May 2016

on the sea shore

I sat slowly on that beach
on that line where the land meet the water,
 i laid my hands in the salty tears of the earth
sinking deep into thoughts that caressed my mind
like the swift sea breeze that flew around me
the time rolled around and i saw the waves washing away
my flesh, the sun bleaching my bones
I feel pain but For what shall i cry to stop my pain
 this is life ,you should stop the heart to stop hurt

I laid back in the sand bellowing like thunderous sky
adding more and more salt into the sea water
but what shall it bring back, time has rolled gathering no love
I am left alone in this shore like a  butterfly that dreamt  to fly
but the wings burned when the sun beat down over this shore


Thursday 5 May 2016

River

I shall flow to directions unknown
Spill a little water side ways ,backwards 
Leave a mark, little for the plants
a little for the birds, bovine
To drink and feel the chilness of  my life
taste a little sour of my dreams that 
Got drenched in tears and then Disappeared

Saturday 30 April 2016

Turning the clock backwards

Flowers in the sides,grey leaves, tall trees
And a long road ahead
If only i could forget the past
I would have returned
all the way walking back
with the joy of watching
the scenic beauty on the sides
As if like for the first time


Tuesday 19 April 2016

The Rose in my garden

If you are reading this then probably you are the only one that i am sharing this story with. I fear that this story may end with me, may perish in this mud when i go, but this is not such a story to be forgotten

In the spring of 94 its when i met rose, she blossomed in the garden like the  red flowers . She was the most beautiful girl i met . That summer vacation,  we spend our whole days together. I wouldn't forget the first time i kissed her on her lips, it was like kissing on the soft rose petals. I wouldnt have known what love is If it wasnt for her, but it wasnt love that i remember but grief. She taught me what a heart break feels like

In the end of summer vacation , i remember waiting for her in the garden eagerly looking towards the end from where she usually showed up , but i couldnt find her on that day or the days followed, i remeber crying tightly holding the rose i plucked from the garden , the prick of the thorns didnt made me feel anything , I wonder how pain has different meaning sometimes. If I know she was going away then i wouldnt have left her hands on the previous day, i would have kissed her one more time, i would have told her i love her again and again, I am not sure how colors fade away so fast in the absence of rose, how the fragrance of the flowers just left me with her.

After a week waiting for her, i asked my mom where rose had went, but she didnt know who rose was. i went looking for her in the address she told me, but the house was closed and it seems like nobody had lived there ever since i dont know. I roamed around asking people about rose who lived there, but nobody knew her, so thats why asked about the people who used to live in that house before and i heard that the young wife and husband left the place long before , when their daughter fell into the well and died on a summer

Monday 18 April 2016

No return

Legends told about a path
narrow and stony dangerous and haunted
For which no man has returned taking it
So dont ask me why i took it
but you should know what a Solitary mind would do

So on a cold morning when the leaves were trembling
out of the chilling cold wind, i set out
And soon i found in the trails of thousands
who took this path and failed and fall

 i found the bones and carcass all over the place
stepping on the raw flesh and blood in the beginning
and then i walked forward where skeletons scattered
and i know for sure i am going to be one in this heard

So you would expect me to walk back and thats what I did
but not so long For i realized all those carcass and skeletons
where lying with their heads towards the direction of my return.


Saturday 2 April 2016

Slave of this world

we worked day and night
yet little did we knew for what
so we kept toiling like the mules of the washer man
Not knowing what we did
but just walk with the whiplash
and then one day
the dhobi is dead
and we are free to run
but we are the slaves of our past
those imaginary chains that
tied us into this world
so we walked every day to the river
and return, but with no master
 and with no whiplashes
For we are the slave of this meaningless world



FAte

I know the inevitable.
 its here like a monstrous snake spreading its hood
. looking straight into my eyes
and i know, it doesnt matter i run or fly
 for it has laid its eyes on me
 and i will be hunted down into the ground
 dragging me into its nest and then
I surely would pray that it would have preyed on me
 but it will leave me there
playing around a little with my fear with my helplessness
 and when i am tired when my body is still
those needle like fangs will sink into my skin and to my flesh
 injecting the venom and it will take me to a sleep with no ends no pains

Thursday 24 March 2016

in small things

happiness is not a feeling but its a choice
If you can find it in small things
life is fulfilled, or else it will be
A matchbox with no sticks
For you know there is a purpose 
for your life but then realizing
that there is always something missing
Inside you....................... 

Wednesday 10 February 2016

A night

it was bright when i closed my eyes
on a warm sunny afternoon
soon carried away into a sleep
drifting away into dream land
walking among the clouds, playing
on the rainbows ,but not for long
when i opened my eyes it was night already
dark and alone somewhere i dont recognize where
but i slept here, so i should know but i couldnt
And in the darkness i searched for a matchbox
crawling on the floor as if i was a toddler
searching and feeling around like if i was blind
And i found a matchbox
I had the candle i had the matchbox
but there wasnt any matchstick left
And i reckon this night is going to be the longest.

Saturday 2 January 2016

Fly from the edge

I walked and then i remember running,
sometimes looking back panting and then sighing
 because nobody is following me, I was afraid all the time,
thinking that the memories were just behind me.
No matter where i hide they will find me and haunt me
. There wasn't much of life left in my legs
but i sucked the last drop of it to reach the top  of that cliff,
where the world ends and the sky starts.
And i believe nobody could find me if i fly from here
.i looked down thinking about all those people
 who flied from here and floating towards the sky
 spreading their wings, which was always there
hiding behind from those people who were less fortunate than us.
Concealed to get away from their jealousy
 I looked to both my sides and spread that big feathery wings,
 spectacular they looked in the evening light
\and then i fell looking backwards,
watching the steepness of this mountain ,
 flowing with the air downwards, downwards
watching the memories waving me all the way

So Estranged

the retribution for the sins I walked through the hells corridor the hot metallic floor where  the bones melt like candles I felt no...