യാത്ര

യാത്ര പറഞ്ഞിറങ്ങിയ വീഥിയിൽ
കൈ പിടിച്ചു നടന്ന കുട്ടുകാർ പൊയ് മറഞ്ഞു
പിന്നെ മൗനം നടിച്ചു കൂടെ കൈ കോർത്ത്‌ നടന്ന
നിഴലും പകലിന്റെ വിരഹതയിൽ ഇരുളിൽ അലിഞ്ഞു ചേർനു

ഇനിയില്ല ഇനിയില്ല തിരിച്ചു പോക്കൊരിക്കലും
ഓർമ്മകൾ നാഗങ്ങൾ പോൽ പുളഞ്ഞു കിടക്കുന്ന വഴികളിലേക്ക്
അവയുടെ ചെറു ദംശനത്തിൽ നീലച്ചു പോകാത്ത
ഒരു ഞെരമ്പ് പോലും ഇനിയെന്റെ ദേഹത്ത് ബാകിയില്ല

ഒഴുകിയകലും ഞാൻ ഒരു ചെറു പുഴയായി ദുരെക്
വേരുകൾ അടിയൊഴുക്കിൽ ഒലിച്ചു  പോയൊരു യാത്ര
പിന്നെ ഏതോ കടലിന്റെ മാറിൽ അവസാന നിദ്ര കൊള്ളും
അവിടെ എന്നോട് ചെര്നുറങ്ങും ഈ ഓർമ്മകൾ.

golden grass

I walked lonely among the grass that
 grew knee high on that warm sunny afternoon
with eyes placed above the hill
and mind meandering through the path
that I may stroll in that coming hours
And i walked and ran
at last reaching the top of the hill
then  i laid my eyes back at the path
which woke me
from the spell that  bound my eyes
into a dream that i had lived just before
down in the foot of the hills
grown are thousands of golden grass
that danced with the rythem of the wind
And all those hours i lived in it
but failed to see..........................

Lonely inside the woods

As i strolled through the way, lonely
And then finding lost inside the  woods
How come i be not afraid to go alone here
lonesome can sometimes be a veil
making us invisible to the naked eyes
And that magic cloak shall protect me
I wish i start to fear, to gain the knowledge
That there is something to lose
And there is some one waiting for my return
but this cloak has grown roots into my skin
peeling away my flesh if i choose to remove it
i feel numb inside this darkness
walking among the skulls and rotten carcass
twinkling eyes preying inside the night
the man eaters waiting to jump
 I reckon there isnt much they can do to me
Nothing more than what a man can do to
his fellow being

A naive wind

a wind that got lost in the time

searching for a soul, that would 

grand him life,but not that easy to find

among the millions of faces around

So he flew carelessly giving up on himself

For he knew this life is not a choice

but a necessity that he needs to live

Caught in the meaninglessness of loveless life

And suddenly one day while flying swiftly

among the bamboo forest, he heard a melody

Not that something he had  heard before

calm and serene, so he asked the forest

"who taught you to sing such a song"

but how could the wind be so naive to

ignore that its he the singer, so thats

What the forest told, And then the wind knew

life isnt only about to be loved

there is yet another unexplored self in us

beautiful than we ever known about us

Come and wave

Caught in a strong wind,  a leaf has fallen
A big tree, countless millions of green leaves
who would care a lonely grey leaf
As he float in the mid way air, he looked back
To the love he had , the first kiss
the eyes that made him gasp for air
But there is none to wave him in his final journey
So you may say he cried in his last minutes
No, he smiled just before the ground hit him in his face
If your love is unconditional, it doesnt matter
there is some one on the other side waving at you
Smiling at you, but you will wave and smile towards
Even if the space is empty, For true love will lingers for ever
waiting for her to come and wave.,.............

lost mind

Oh lost mind come back, turn around
And look into these insane eyes
that doesnt know where to look
Or what they sees are not what they seems
Soon the sun will set,but it was dark way before that
oh my poor mind. give me one reason
To wake up tomorrow, to stand up
And to see the world one more time

Enlightenment

If earth was your eyes, i saw an ocean of blue
And as the eye lids closed, it was tides in my heart
 i Could see a world inside your deep blue eyes
a place so unknown , but i know i have peace in there
In that Calm serene and wondrous world


I dont remember the last time i played hide and seek , but  i need to  play it now. The moment you play it , you hide ,you know some one out there is looking for you. that feeling of being wanted  is something you can never buy. To know that some one else in this world is thinking exactly the way you are thinking, exactly the way you are feeling, that knowledge is what i seek. And that is an eternal journey towards enlightenment

loved and to love

I wonder about the point that we are trying to prove here in this world. I am caught in between or tangled in between the meaninglessness of this rat race we have . I dont really remember when i started it but its so  long that it doesnt matter when i started to run. but i am tired now. I hope there is a calm place some where , a bench lying in between two trees would be perfect , sitting on top  of a hill with the view of the town ,but far away from this madness, I would really love to sit there for a while looking into this circus wondering why the people do what they do? I am not looking for answers because there is no perfect answer but just customized one, suiting the perception of each individual. Some say life is this you have to be in front , way on top , ordinary is not ok, mediocre is failure, procrastination is quitting, Some say its all about money. the flashy dress you wear, the new brand watch , the restaurant you go. the sporty car you ride
  But my question is what about the person really inside all this , what about you? Are we really happy. I dont care if i wear a brand new rolex watch or an old titan watch as long as both are showing the time. And it says my time is limited here and i am dying. what ever i have it will be taken from me , may not be now but surely some times later. All i care now when i sit here at the top of this hill on this wooden bench on a sun set , when the sun is sinking into the bosom of my town is to find my hand resting on someone else's tender and soft palm. holding it tight to feel the real life around me," the life in her". And to feel her breath on my ears along with the mild cold evening wind. To hear her whisper that, its time to go back home. All i care in this world is to be loved and to love. Everything else is just insignificant

a beautiful girl

i know about a beautiful girl , who wandered around
in search of an elixir ,that could grand her immortality
i am afraid my words could never express her beauty
and there is no way i could let you know it
but believe in me when i say she was gorgeous.

I wonder why she wasn't happy, may be she knew
No beauty in this world was forever
what good can life be to you,. If you can't-
Appreciate it for a second.

She walked through the distant lands
no rock ,nor sun could hamper her journey
For she was determined to find a way
And the elixir of life was the only solution she had

Some told her it was a myth ,but she didnt believe
she walked and walked from dusk to dawn and to night
and turned days to months and months to years
suddenly one day she found a pond full of the magic drink
that could grant her immortality
but when she approached the pond
she was shocked to see an old woman inside the pond
She only knew then she wasn't the woman, who started that journey
For her beauty was gone and all that left was
wrinkles and grey hairs
She never wanted an immortal life of an old woman
and she never had the life of a beautiful woman either

രാത്രി തൻ മകൾ

ഏതോ പകലിൻറെ വിറയാർന കൈകളിൽ
എരിയുന്ന സുര്യന്റെ ബാല്യമുണ്ട്
അറിയാതെ അവൻ നിന്നെ തേടുന്ന വേളയിൽ
വേനല പക്ഷി തൻ പാട്ടുമുണ്ട്‌

യൗവനവും നിന്നെ തേടി കരിഞ്ഞു പോയി ,
ഏതോ നിഴലിന്റെ മറയിൽ നിയും ഒളിച്ചുനിന്നു
സുര്യനറിയുമോ ,അവന്റെ മരണത്തിനായി
കാത്തു നിൽകുന്ന ഇരുളാനവൾ
ഇനിയും കാണാത്തോരാ രാത്രി തൻ മകൾ

feather that floats

it hurts to look for long into that bright lamp
. its not like looking into the candle on a dark day
, its not that gentle, its very intense.
but i dare to look into you. i want to see
 whats that burning inside you so hot.
 i want to know your pain, and thats why i laid back
 into my bed and looked deep into you
 into the very heart of your world.
And as time went by my vision started to blur
, not because of the light ,but due to the tears
. i embraced it, i felt the warm stream that flowed
through the side of my head,
like a glacier of hot spring and then it ended in my ears
. it was like sinking into an ocean,
suddenly there is no burden in your heart.
Its just weightlessness ,and for a moment
you are that feather that floats in the air

ഇന്നലകൾ

ആ റെയിൽവേ സ്റ്റേഷനിൽ വിദൂരതയിലേകു കണ്ണും നാട്ടു ഇരിക്കുമ്പോൾ ഒരുവട്ടം കൂടി അവളെ കാണണം എന്ന് ഞാൻ ഓർത്തു. . ആ ,പാതി അടഞ്ഞ കണ്ണുകളും , ആ തിളങ്ങുന്ന നക്ഷത്ര പൊട്ടും ഒരു തവണ കൂടി കാണണം , ഒരേ ഒരു തവണ കൂടി . പല വഴികളിൽ ഒഴുകുന്ന പുഴകൾ പോലെ നീണ്ടു നിവര്ന്നു കിടക്കുകയാണ് ആ ട്രാക്കുകൾ. വെള്ളം  പോലെ നമ്മൾ ഒഴുകും പല വഴികളായി , പിന്നെ ഏതോ ഒരു പാലത്തിനടിയിൽ വീണ്ടും കണ്ടു മുട്ടും , അപ്പോൾ പറയാൻ ഒരായിരമുണ്ട് എങ്കിലും ,മൗനം. ആത്മാവിനെ കുത്തി നോവിക്കുന്ന മൗനം മാത്രം എനിക്ക് നല്കാൻ നീ കാത്തുവച്ചിരിക്കും. പിന്നെ വീണ്ടും പല വഴികളിൽ നാം ഒഴുകും 

ട്രെയിനിന്റെ ചൂളം വിളി കേടിട്ടാണ് ഞാൻ ആ സ്വപ്നത്തിൽ നിന്നുനർനതു. ഒരുതിരമല പോലെ എന്നെ വിഴുങ്ങാൻ വന്നിരിക്കുകായണ വണ്ടി . ഇന്നലകളെ ഞാൻ ഇവിടെ ഉപേക്ശ്ചിച്ചു  യാത്രയാവുകയാണ്. "ഇല്ല അവൾ വരില്ല ", മനസ്സെത്ര മന്ത്രിച്ചെങ്ങിലും കണ്ണുകൾ അവൾക്കു വേണ്ടി ദാഹിച്ചു . പതിയെ പതിയെ എന്റെ മുൻപിൽ നിന്ന് ആ പ്ലട്ഫോരം പിറഗിലെക് ഓടിയകലാൻ തുടങ്ങി . അതെ അത് വെറും ഇന്നലകൽ മാത്രമാണ് ഇനി അവയിലേക് ഒരു തിരിച്ചു പോക്കില്ല .

ഓർമ്മകൾ

ആ വരണ്ട കാറ്റിന്റെ ഓർമ

എത്ര നേരം നിനക്കായി കാത്തിരിക്കും

പിന്നെ മനസ്സിന്റെ ഏതോ ഇരുണ്ട കോണിൽ

ഓർമയായി  പിന്നെ ഓർമയുടെ ഓർമയായി പോയൊളികും

അടുത്ത കാറ്റിന്റെ പരിലാളനത്തിൽ

ഇനി നീയില്ല നിന്റെ ഓർമകളില്ല

വെറും നിഴലുകൾ മാത്രം  

ഏതോ പകലിന്റെ ഭിക്ഷ 

പിന്നെ  മായുന്ന സന്ധ്യയിൽ  

 ഇരുളിന്റെ മാറിൽ,

പതിയെ നിഴലും പോയൊളിക്കും

അതൊരു സ്വപ്ന മയിരുന്നോ 

അതോ ഓർമയുടെ ഒരു ചെറു മഴതുല്ലിയോ 

അറിയാതെ ,ഓർത്തെടുക്കാൻ കഴിയാതെ

നിയും നിന്റെ ഓർമയും പെയ്തൊഴിയും 

Sea of Mysteries

I gazed into my heart for a while
In that sea of mysteries ,I was searching
For something that i dropped years before
On that tidal outer layer it was just my own reflection
And if i have the courage to look through
beyond myself into that tides,
then i shall see what i need to see
The flesh and bones of those who  drowned
Here in my heart, some times with love
And some times in wrath of that cold tempest
that laid fury on the sailors who traveled and lost
And if i dare to look beyond that
Then i will find the glittering gold and diamonds
They left for me to look after, but i forgot...

"Dreams, Dreams"

I crawled and i was a toddler
My dream was just to sit and to smile
So did I, then one day i sat.
But it wasn't enough
For i dreamt to stand and giggle
And that's what I did,
But was that enough for me?
So i dreamed to walk and then to run
And finally when i had all my dreams fulfilled
My greedy heart wished to fly
But i am afraid to fly, Not because of height
The moment i fulfill the wish, I have to accept
Accept the fact that i have ran out of Imaginations to Dream

The Girl and the old man

I am not a story teller but just a drunkard
And if this seems to be a story to you
then you are as high as me in this mountain.
years before when i thought i was the greatest drunk
i saw that old bastard singing and whining
he paid his drink with real money
cursed the world for all its curse
And when he was half asleep
some one carried him to his house
And in the morning the news was all over the place
i heard it from the bar, sipping my vodka
at seven in the morning, And who will drink a vodka in the dawn?
The old fool got a beautiful daughter
And the suitors flew from distant places
only to take a glance at her
but she always stayed inside
They tried to talk with her dad
but the old sucker was always drunk
so one day this guy from nowhere walked towards the door
stroked it loud and clear till he saw her
walking towards, but with a baby in her hands
He didnt take another look but ran
to the village where his friends did wait
He told the story to the world
The old drunkard violated his own daughter
The friends went mad,sooner they became a mob
with fiery torches in their hand
and marched and marched towards the bar
where i sat and drank my vodka as high as a mountain
They pulled him down grabbing his hairs
dragged him through the mud, stripped him naked
Then tying him on a wooden post,crucified
And from the dark she ran with the baby in her hands
Crying for mercy,but some one did what he had to do
he took a knife and slipped it into the old man's chest
The girl cried out loud "leave my husband"
And that thundered and echoed in the corners
Dumbstruck the mob for a second
And i dont know from where that young guy came
who shouted, "Kill the witch"
But for what? If not for wooing the old man
Just for his money,as he told the world
the story of her betrayal with that good old man
lying dead in their midst
but where is the truth? but who cares the truth
they tied her round on a wooden post
gave her the final bath with the kerosine
And purified her in the fire for her sins
As she glazed into a fire ball
nobody noticed that small baby slipping past the crowd
and disappearing into the darkness
As if nothing has happened here

Words

I wont tell you what i wrote in that letter,
 For i dont remember it now,
but i know then it was the most beautiful letter
but for whom did i wrote those words
i know no one will open it
my words were orphaned even before it was born
a baby from a scorned womb
how can it survive without its mother
Alone and despised by all
who will take it as their own
but if its not you,no one can be its real mother

Note: The song in the video says this- The Hurdy-Gurdy Man.  Over there beyond the village stands an organ-grinder, And with numb fingers He plays as best he can.
Barefoot on the ice, He totters here and there, And his little plate Is always empty. No one listens to him, No one notices him, And the dogs growl around the old man. And he just lets it happen, As it will, Plays, and his hurdy-gurdy Is never still. Strange old man, Shall I go with you ? Will you play your organ to my songs?

A lesson

It was a disaster, an ambush. or was i caught in between a cross fire, to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I always thought i was different , i had a bigger purpose in life, i am not ordinary. But i reckon, that thought itself proves i am just ordinary because everybody in this world thinks that way now or then.I know exactly the mistakes I have done so far and how could I just rewind it and play again and again, its high time that I learned a lesson or two from it and just change the course of my life. or else i will flow with the current and reach the bank where the fate leaves me,only to complain and regret about those things that I could have done before to alter my life but i didn't do. 

What good it will brings you thinking about the past , That past of  tomorrow's me is my today, Get hold of it, Desire will negotiate your reasons to drop it and to clinch with momentary pleasures. but no matter what , you wont drop it. Because you need to remember that what you are dropping is your life and there is nothing more important to you than your life

At any time of the day you can opt to be bad student ,but never when life itself tries to teach you a lesson

dragon

the torch of victory flaming far away
so far but not out of reach
there is lot to do ,not to fail
may fail but not to lose the track
but push,push till the legs stop
then crawl crawl till the heart stops
oh our dreams be not forgotten
the fire that burns in your heart
dont let the tears put it away
but let it be a dragon that smells fire
and fly you towards the podium
where the winners stand

The MusK Deer

I asked myself, Whats that fragrance
I looked around and around
till i ran circles in vain
For i  never could  find the source
Oh where it comes, oh where it goes

I didnt know what's that,
that smelled so pleasant
nor why the world looked at me
I thought they loathed me
For my madly gestures ,looking-
around for an imaginary flower or what?

So i asked the stranger with doubt
if he could help me to find the source
And i never will forget the surprise
that glowed in his face, and he replied
You could have saved a lot of time'
If one shall know what one should smell

note:Whats Important in life is to know our aptitude , what we are capable of other wise we will be the musk deer that went looking for its own fragrance .

Selfish love

I will give my life for your's
trade our places in the death
And cheating the wise fellow
who turns the clock up there
uttered the lover in her ears
The world thought he was selfless
but she thought differently
He saw her eyes with spreading blood
and her nose trembling with anger
What wrong did i do? asked the lover
Oh you selfish coward, she cried
Then with whom shall i trade my place?
 

Note: Some times we are so afraid that some thing bad may happen to our love, and many a times we hope that the fate may take us before them, Is it due to love that we are ready to trade our place with them in the death. I guess not, Its pure selfishness. Its because we cant handle the sadness and depression due to the fact that they are gone. We  are actually trading that sorrow and depression with our loved one, not the death.

The Train wreck

He feels lonely, alone,afraid,sad. The train of emotions had a head on collision with him. In that havoc he is left without any clue,like a little boy who got lost in a crowd looking around for a familiar face. just to raise him up and put him on her shoulders, waiting to get patted on his back and to hear that its ok to cry, its ok to be afraid,but now that she is here he don't have to.

But sooner or later he have to accept the fact that towards that train wreck nobody will walk to unless they are obliged to do so. And then what will you call the name of the help he received, pittance , sympathy. will you call that love? i guess not.

The warrior with in

They waited for the prey

tip toeing in that darkness

eyes burning like the wild fire

but he was unaware of their existence

Dancing all the while around ,

and playing him into their trap

And waiting and waiting for that -

the perfect moment to jump

He may die today, or in the day to come

as we all shall meet our demon one day

and our judgement will be served one by one

but he shall not go down with a meow

but roar and roar trembling the air
His tears will burn their hands 

And his blood will protect the people

For he is the savior,and he is the punisher 

And that's the warrior with in

27th day

My sleep was cut short by a sound
then that intense light shoved into my eyes
And when i woke up
i found myself in noman's land
sitting alone ,on a road side bench
The length of that road surely challenged my eyesight
but i saw ,the road did end in the horizon

 i wondered about the sound and light
That woke me from that deep sleep
the hope told me its the bus that plied in this road
now i am awake like never before
and i waited and waited for 27 long days
looking away into that infinite distance
but i was left alone in that desert

how can i give up my life here
looking for a bus that i have never seen before
So on that 27 th day i stood up from that bench
stretched my legs and started walking
in search of the horizon
where all the roads do end.

We are just strangers

"We are but two rain drops
that will surely meet one day
in the vastness of a sea
but today we are just strangers..."

The concept of love has always confused me. Today I am unaware of her existence, what she does?what she likes? I dont know. If we walk past each other then we wont say a hello, we wont even share a glance. How can you be so rude to someone for whom you will be ready to give up your life.
  Do you think she would ever dreamt for a second that i will be gazing at her when she is asleep watching her hairs dancing with the wind and her bosom moving up and down rhythmically with her breaths. How can i know that she would wake up if i draw with my fingers under her feet.
 When she is late ,today i dont worry for her . My eyes are not resting at the gate waiting for her to open it and come through nor i will care to call her. But how can you be so insensitive to someone whom you will love more than your life one day.

"For today we are just strangers
         

look through my eyes

I seem to have grown old ,world

And my visions have been cut short

If you weren't so kind today

who would have lend me their goggles?

Let me look through your own eyes.

Oh no! your glasses have been blurred 

By oily and dusty smudge, that been

accumulated from time to time.

If this is what you see everyday

i pity you world, take my eyes

And look at you through my own eyes

if you could see the difference, then know

You could be gifted with an eyesight'

But still be blind

A glass window

I am standing in front of a glass window

,its the only thing that seperates me

 from the beautiful scenery out there, 

even if i couldnt go out nor touch the world 

I can watch it all from here. 

but its funny what we choose to see sometimes.

 It may be a view that i have never seen before 

still i chose to see my blurred reflection in that glass window

In the forest

Belief a night candle ,wearing down
and its hot tears rolling down
Soon the darkness will have its share
And i will be lost in this deep forest
but wait, who is that i see
isn't it determination ,the firefly
with its twinkling lights and tiny wings
Oh When times are hard
All you need is a little light
No matter where it comes from
'as long as it remains within you

a book around the corner

I been like this book
since , I dont know
but lonely and alone
somewhere in this corner i dwell

And suddenly one day -

"I dont know when.
For i lost the track of the time
But how can you blame a lonely book
For its ignorance about the time?

-You came and picked me ,among the others
Now i know its true what they say
"You have to wait for good things
And for best, you have to wait a lot"

There is no day like today

The night  a little early for my day
And there is no day like today
For i never saw the sun
As he was hiding some where inside the clouds
Oh it rained through out the day
And he was hiding to cover his tears
but it did show up all the day
Why he is so sad today?
May be he is sad all the time
born everyday, hoping to see the night
but slowly fading away when he is so near-
the night is so close still so far away
 and how can he be not sorry?
For its hard to live all this day knowing
His non existence is her life
 I envy her, For how can some one be loved so deep
without being seen even  once

The secret door in my home

In my house i know there is a secret door, I dont know how this idea got into my head, but i just happened to feel so. There is a secret passage to happiness. It became an obsession in me to find that door. Day and night i looked for it , I was so agitated , I lost my sleep, I felt that my heart is so heavy with discomfort at my own house and that feeling was killing me, I wished i had the will to run away from here , may be to a distant unknown place but far from here, but i never had that courage in me. There was an endless rope tying me to this house. So i stayed. One day after those pressure mounted day at work i returned with a gloomy face, I entered my home then sat on the couch with head resting on the pillow , eyes closed. And suddenly something happened inside me. I didnt feel the pressure anymore, i felt that nothing really matters when i am inside here. May be the secret door I was looking was never a secret, it is this front door ,the only door to happiness and all the while i was so ignorant to understand it. Now i know that the endless rope that is tying me to here is Love and happiness

the tides inside me

The heavy tides lashing on either sides then breaking into thousands of pieces ,and with the wind they became a rain and drenched me. It s all water around me and there is no land in the near sight , all i can see is this infinitely long bridge made out of this irregularly cut rocks. Where i am now, it doesnt make any sense to go backwards, for i have covered a lot of grounds . I dont know there is any point in going further forward but moving forward isn't a choice for me, but its the only option that the fate has given me. . i dont have to feel awkward if i cry out loud , for there is nobody to see me. I can sit here as long as i wish and cry out as loudly as i can, but my tears will be veiled by this water falling on me and my cry would be dissolved in the roar of the sea around me.There is no point in doing any of that because i dont think my tears will make this sea water any more saltier.. so i am going to walk forward to see what is there in the far far future for me

Vengeance of the stars

the days wife, the nights-
 daughter, the moon's friend,
Oh the stars of yesterdays
Are you here for today?
No! you are just a lost dream
Seen and forgotten  .
Oh you cry and cry,
 shed those tears
Let it rain day and night
and in that heavy blitz
You shall have your vengeance.

a fools questions..

I want to fall in love.
But who will love the loneliness?
I want to look into her eyes and see myself in it
But who will come looking for me in this darkness?
Who will find the time to read a book
lost from the shelf torn and incomplete?
If only i could know these simple answers
But oh know i being  ignorant
waiting for some one to tell me those answers
But who will have a heart to enlighten a fool?

serenade by schubert

The Curious case of Mr. Black sheep

This is not a story . But something that happened years before. Some years ago I used to be a revolutionary. The kings soldiers where constantly looking for me  to capture me and execute, so i was forced to live under the disguise of a shepherd in a small village called nazrath in the outskirts of kerala. Being a shepherd was not an easy job, I had to deal with the physical and psychological aspects of all the sheeps that i was rearing. Every day each of my ward come with a new problem, some had emotional breakdown, some with mental trauma from the terrible nightmares and fears about the predators they had heard about, some have eating disorder, and some with broken hearts.
    Among them there was this fellow, A black sheep among the whites. His problem attracted my attention immediately. It was on a friday evening that he came down to me and shared his problem. He told he didnt belong to this place. At first i thought he was caught up with the typical indian misconception about the dark skin tone and the inherent inferiority complex that manifests in an individual. But it disappeared from my mind as he talked. He didnt want to spend the rest of his life just eating and gnawing. Which i thought was a wonderful way to live, but thats not what shocked me, It was what he told me next. He said he was not a sheep but a wolf trapped inside the body of a sheep. my first diagnosis was dual personality. A black sheep with personality problems, well thats not rare.
     One evening this fellow didnt returned to the stable and i went looking for him , So there he was at the valley of loneliness walking steadily towards the forest, He didnt look afraid to be alone there. I went near him and asked why he decided to leave the herd. He looked into  my eyes as if i have disappointed him and said he needs to meet his pack. I knew he was talking about the wolf pack and i knew if he meets the pack then its suicide, But that moment i didnt have the courage to tell him that he was just a sheep but not a wolf. It wasnt dual personality but it was the strong belief that was driving him forward. I told him he wont find the pack in this forest , it would be a five week walk to the next forest to meet his friends. But that didnt foil his journey, he was determined to meet them.
     He walked through the rocky terrain , and ran above the meadows , swam the river but he never stopped, not even for food. Hunger and thirst didnt hindered his journey. some times it was getting harder for me to catch up with him.week by week went by and he turned so weak but he didnt quit. I could see far away a small skeletal figure moving forward with a woolen blanket. And finally oneday he saw the wolf pack. He slowly limbed towards them and laid down infront of them with face kept high. There was a motor racing going inside my heart. The suspense was killing me. And one of that moment i saw the wolves smelling him and with the gentle breeze they drifted into the innerforest.
It took almost ten minutes for me to reach near him. There he was lying in the mud with head kept high smiling and eyes closed. I know he was now at peace
             Who was he really? was he a sheep or was he a wolf? I dont know the exact answer for this question, But i surely know he died as a wolf.......

Dreams on a canvas

If i could lay my dreams on a canvas
So it would be that ,i will
For i fear that my dreams may go-
Unseen by the world
oh mine,  no  no no..
I will draw the best canvas
Red with my blood,black with my hairs
And leave a part of me behind
Only Just before I go...

LOve-the spring

 And the flowers bloomed , but for whom?
may be for you, but you are not her to to stay.
And still they loved the invitee
But why ?for you are not here to stay.

Some times its hard to explain things.  Its easy to do rather than explain. Its easy to love rather than explain why we love. why the trees love the spring so much, even after knowing that its only here for another four months and then shedding tears with broken hearts, gloomy and with drooping heads and it happens again and again every year. May be the trees know its ok to love and its ok to have a broken heart, rather than having no heart at all.

choices

i wonder how our actions our choices create a ripple effect, one aiding the other and then another following it extending to infinity. Each choices and  each moment we choose there is an infinite combination having equally likely probability of screwing or building your life. But we dont know which combination holds the key to that mysterious locker which holds your precious destiny. Its in your hand ,but this ignorance of the power of your choices is the only reason why you are still searching for the combination. All you need to do is to take a moment ,a long deep breath and say this in your head "you are the key and you are powerful beyond all measures" and imagine what you want to do the rest of your life, and if you have a right a concrete answer then believe that what ever choice you are taking thats the right one because when you know what you want then you will do what you have to do.

Solitary writer

If you dont know me,
search for me in this wilderness,
 I am that solitude you will find here,
If you cant then hark that breeze
whispering to your ears
a song or is that a cry
that dissolved into the air
and disappeared years before
may be waiting for you, only for you
but wont listen it unless you
 listen carefully and closely
 because all these while it was here
concealed deep inside waiting
for you to look ,to embrace it and
If you find it here then
hold it close to you
For i am that solitude you will find here

Shackles

 Its baffling that i find myself here. Not even in the wildest of my dreams i thought i would be in such a place. Hands and legs tied and i could barely see whats happening around me, and when i feel thirsty i had to lick the water from the small crack on the ground ,that has been collected when the water flowed in front of me , i didnt ask from where the water came from, nor  did i care where it was going. All i know is I have to survive this. I dont know whats there on the other side ,probably more tests and experiments, but i know with all my heart i dont quit till i am free, i dont give up till all my shackles are broken and i could spread my wings and fly..

A walk to the future

when today changes to tomorrow you hope everything changes and it add a meaning to your existence. A little more love in your life , a little more purpose in your actions, a little more reasons in your tears
  Will it make any difference if i paint a little more black to the night, . I am been suffocated by this meaninglessness around me. how much harder i am going to try will there ever be a difference?. will it make any difference if i add a little more sand grains to the beach? May be if i keep hold of a handful everyday and drop at the same point , probably i could make a mole hill and with time if the wind decides to help me , one day, i dont know for sure, but some day who knows , i will be surprised to see a mountain there.But the key is to take one step at a time, nothing more nothing less. looking at each individual steps,probably they look very meaningless, but together it is something wonderful, its a walk,, A walk to the future

Wings of butterfly

I being the wings of a butterfly

small fragile but still steady to take off

Am afraid of the wind that flutters me

But not the fate that darts me forward..

Paradox

I shall tell a story
a story of a turtle and a rabbit
who decided to run a race
but is this the story you heard before
I reckon not,For at the end
 the rabbit wins this race
So if you ask what is the moral
then i shall say the moral is
Not all stories have a moral
But isn't that a paradox as simple as life.

Suicides in Kerala

Have you ever wondered why in kerala , even after those monumental literacy rate the suicide rate is on the higher side. In the northern states people opt suicide only when their livelihood is deprived , only when there is no means to feed their family. But even towards the last moment, if they feel there is a chance that they could feed their family if they could migrate to the southern states where there is high need for unskilled labourers, then they would probably opt that rather than suicide.
    But its a different story when it comes to kerala, here the youngsters commit suicide because of the psychological impact that the society has on the individuals. The society in kerala always has a way with the budding individuals.From their childhood onwards every kid grows with in a scale of comparison, either with the neighbour , class mate or even with their brother or sister. They grow up with a false urge to be on top of everything, or they fear that they will be branded as useless. Now the beginning is from their class, from the progress reports, later when they grow up it just spreads to everything they come upon. There will always be a fear inside them that people are scrutinizing them . Recently when a college student commited suicide because his parents wont buy him the brand new i-phone, people may think it to be so childish from this youngster but the truth is that the trauma he faced from his childhood , the need to look good before everyone else, and the peer group pressure to be recognized by everyone else have actually killed him. What if he grew up in an ideal society where there is no comparison, or what if he grew in a society where every one minded their own business, then the story of this youngster would be a different one, but today if he has committed suicide in kerala then its not a felo-de-se but this is a homicide committed by the society
          Here people commit suicide not because they dont have enough opportunity to survive, but when they feel they haven't grown up to the expectation of the society

the blue Box

They sold the memories on a street

So i walked those lanes,out ran the needle of times

Just to find myself in a corner

In front of an old shop ,grey and shabby

I didnt know what i was looking for

Still i searched for something

And in that dark corner I did find a thing

A small blue glass box, that sang a song

I havent heard that tune since when?

I remember the melody but not when

So i searched for the owner,Who sold it here?

But nobody knew who it was

But i was lucky to find a log book

but the time has smudged the ink

And the letters were difficult to read

But i did find a name in it, that i should never have forgotten

A friend who taught there are words

words like demise, that a twelve year can never understand

I never wanted to forget her name again

So i bought the blue box from that shop.

Alternate reality

What if there exists a parallel world , an alternate reality ? And what if there exists a wiser me in it who can control my actions and choices that i take in this world. Who knows the future who can see me . But the dimension in which he lives is beyond any imaginations of mine.

 There is a question whose answer i am trying to find? why sometimes god is blind to the people who suffer? And many a times i have been angry with him for this insensitivity. But as always he was silent may be he thought i didn't deserve the answer. But what if i am wrong what if he told me and i didnt listen it or what if i didn't understand it. And in this journey to understand him i came up with the idea of alternate reality.

What if he is really blind. I am not saying he cant see but what if he cant see others but only you. yes a unique god for everyone. who is happy when you are happy , who cries with you, who controls your actions who knows what will happen to you , these are just possibilities a collection of what if's. the truth is beyond my grasp sitting in a dimension that is unknown to me. And after a long struggle of life, if the death , the secret passage to that dimension ,takes me to my god i wouldn't be surprised to see myself , because thats what "Aham Brahmasmi " (Hindu philosophy:Brihadaranyaka Upanishad) means " I am the infinite reality"

Fur Elise

 Why Fur Elise has always been my favorite    composition?I have asked this question to myself  over and over again .

 It was raining outside , in that small hands of a 7  year old there is a small electronic video game. He  dont know much to play it but he knows that each  time he fails, that small gadget is going to sing for  him a song that he has never heard before a tune  that takes his little heart from the solitude to the  grounds of emotions that he has never experienced  before.Each note of it was accompanied by rain  drops sprayed by the cold breeze to his face.He  stood near the window watching the streams of  water taking off the ground,and slowly rolling the stones along with the music that was played in his hands

    There is love in this composition, at the same time there is a grief that comes to your throat slowly steadily and then starting to gain weight  and with that you slowly sink into the depth of voidness , you dont want to fight back the gravity that pulls you downwards but just want to fall into the lap of that Nostalgia and to feel the coldness of the rain drops on you face once again

The last day of mylife

"I have read about mayflies that live for one human day. If that 's true then i am a may fly and this is my last day of existence in this earth."

      We believe we are the supreme form of life and we have consistently looked down at those small creatures  and beings around us , whom we thought are lesser than us and pitied their life. Its our basic nature to create scales of our convenience and to measure others using it. But when we do it have we ever thought who we really are and how much we measure as a whole. To know that we need to know the concept of cosmic calender in which the vast 13.8 billion year life of universe is condensed into a single year, In this visualization, the Big Bang took place at the beginning of January 1 at midnight, and the current moment is mapped onto the end of December 31 at midnight. At this scale, there are 438 years per second, 1.58 million years per hour, and 37.8 million years per day (just a cut and paste from wikipedia )

    imagine in that scale we don't even live for a day , not even for an hour and a second is too long , but we only live for one fifth of a second, Our ego, anger, happiness, sadness everything is just caught inside the blink of an eye,  the vastness of the time around us so formidable that it has decimated us in a second... I am a mayfly and this is my last day

Nokia 1600

    The year 2007 was a memorable year in my life. It was when i got admission into the best and the most prestigious engineering college in my state. Today i dont know whether I owned it or was just lucky but back then i raised my head with proud. 2007 was not only memorable because of that it was also the first time I had a real phone, I had my own number and all the calls and messages to it were only meant for me. I wonder how a small electronic thing just the size of  a soap can empower a person with confidence and a feel that you are not alone. I could travel any part of the world and still can connect to anybody i want, that thought itself was reassuring. Its unbelievable how a phone has become our closest friend.
   I remember my first phone was Nokia 1600 , It actually spoke a different language. A single missed call was ciphered to hold different meanings those days and they were deciphered accordingly depending on the situations. At night when a girl give you a miscall it meant she missed you and if it was your friend then it meant he is in deep trouble,

call him back. I wonder how these things had a universal code those days. It may be because people could see each others feelings and thoughts even without seeing each other, or may be even if we are of different color or sex or religion ,above all those differences, we were actually the same.

     After my first phone i used three other phones, its wonderful how different apps had made our life easy, how missed call changed to Whatsapp, how people could tell each other whats there inside their mind by words and pictures. I believe or my life taught me when we started to tell each other what really is inside our mind it has created more problems than those hapless miscalls did. When you are angry your words could hurt some one and that effect is irreversible ,which could even cost what is precious to you .But your miscalls can never hurt anyone, and when your anger blew out you can just tell the other person you only meant to say that "I love you more"

That's the reason why my Nokia 1600 is still an inseparable part of my life

what is love?

Its very difficult to understand the very nature of love . How it evolves through time, how it adapts to the surroundings , how it fade away, like a sunset, but i don't think its that colorful as sunset during its dusk, first grey then complete black, so dark that even if you look into your hands they are invisible.
    Its beyond any doubt that our first love is our mother , the very essence of love that we learned lying close to her warm bosom is our first lesson of love. She loved us not hoping that we will love her in return , we will look after her during her returns to the childhood. Her love was unconditional. Even if we had a great first lesson how well have we adapted our love over time, how we learned to forget things , how our true love changed into conditional love
   I see a mother in her senility left alone by her daughters, I can imagine that single mother of three looking after her kids in the absence of her husband ,who went after another woman of better beauty and wealth. I can see that mother who has been disappointed both by her husband and kids. I see her son persuading her to return to her home so that his wife may not be alone looking after his kids, I wonder how his love has evolved, how his tone have changed over time,  Her memory is starting to  fade away, she is returning to her child hood. probably he wants to believe its just a drama played by her, so that he can exploit the last drop of love from her for his kids.

What is love? Its a drama played over and over again, so that it seems no longer like acting but still its a drama well written and acted.

Hope

Have you ever had this feeling that what ever efforts you are going to take ,its going to be futile. Well i had it many times, some times you want to cry, some times you take it with a wild laugh, when purpose is taken away from an action then its meaningless, but what about an action with purpose but still meaningless? But any way you have to do it because thats what you have to do. Life is this collection of so many meaningless action stacked one above the another, we believe at last it all looks meaningful, and that hope is the only thing that makes us to wake up everyday

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

“Hope” is the thing with feathers(Emily Dickinson)