Why i wish i was a Gay

     Why do i wish i was a Gay? Its without a doubt i am saying this, I love the scent of a women , the way she giggles , the notes and melody of her voice, Her flaw less skin,the little brown hairs on the back of her neck. But today I am ashamed to say that I am man and I am straight ,because its the common trait of the countless millions around the world who rapes and molest women for the satisfaction and pleasure they draw from the suffering of a fellow human being.

     I never heard that a gay has done something bad, pardon me for being ignorant but from the place i come from i have heard terrible news about straight men committing gruesome crimes, from child molestation to patricide but i have never heard that a gay has committed something like that

     Now probably u may be thinking that,jeez ..whats with this guy? If you want to be a gay then be it and stop whining about being straight. Well I guess then you are wrong, you cant simply be a gay one day, if you need a place in the elite gay fraternity ,you need to earn the place...

Dilemmaaa..

The step i am making, may be its to a great mistake, But this is the only way i know to do it. If i can walk through this narrow path ,if i can reach the other side after surpassing all the adversities all the demons ,I dont know ,lord give me strength ,give me strength to show the world that its possible. If a nobody can do it, may be some one else with more talents than me can go for it with out a doubt..I have to do this not for myself, but for him tooooo...

Wind

I felt jealous, her vagueness,how flawlessly she flew through the window ,then through the leaves flowers over the mountain above the sea to everyone,Her desire for love was boundless It was impossible for anyone to stop her, She lived with no memories of yesterday she waited for none, a true free spirit, care free about her tomorrows, sometimes stopping by to say something but then without an hesitation leaving ,I know she had forgot to say something, May be how much she loved me or may be how much i failed to understand her, how much i have failed to satisfy her. But probably she knew no  women have been loved the way they are meant to be loved, the way they are meant to be devoted and the way their desires are meant to be fulfilled....

Are you confused with different goals,Then live without one

          which is worse? To live without a goal or to live confused with different goals. I cant really choose which one right now .I believe for now both are not different they are just the same. with only one difference , first person actually is ambition less, He wakes up everyday probably smiling or emotionless, Goes through the news paper, like searching for something but he don't know what he is looking for nor why he is reading it the first place, because what happens around him is not going to create a slight difference in his life style. Reaches the office late,(If he has a work of course), While all the time he is been chided by his superior for his insensitivity and insincerity towards the company he just blinks and look into the thin air like nothing matters.Evening he goes back home, do something that is little help to him or for the society then at night he gazes into the news like its a religious custom to follow while you eat and at last goes to sleep with the same emotion as he woke up
          Now the other person is full of ambition.He believes that he has the caliber to walk into the moon direct from earth, Oh he is full of positiveness. But he wakes up in the morning ,some what dull or gloomy, Because he believes he is not supposed to be here ,He thinks he belongs in the shoes of Bill Gates may be. He goes through the news paper looking for something that inspires him to do. But the problem is each and every news inspires him to do something always different from the other. For instance He sees a news about robbery ,Then he wants to become a police officer, and the next moment he sees a news about scientists discovering a new planet, oh then he wants to be an Astro physicist and at last he sees a news about couples looking for a surrogate mother ,Then I dont know how he could think of a gender change and just rent his imaginary uterus for the couples. And once he keeps the news paper down he is a jobless trying hard to create a mark in this universe,but sadly don't know what or which kind of mark he is intending to put here.And he has a funny explanation for that, since his idols have already left very different and a unique marks before, its getting impossible for him to choose one. Now he tries very hard to become everything and at last its clear than a day that he wont make it not more than being the senior jobless. And at night he too goes to sleep with just the same emotion as he woke up .Oh life sucks big time if its so. Well now  i guess we should go with out a goal rather than living confused with different goals

         
    

And the ghost taunted me (cont.)

I said to him."I am confused, I am afraid, why fate is so jealous to me, All my life i tried to do the right thing and look where I am now, covered in goop of mud,slimed with my own blood, tears and sweat "
He said, " Its not about right or wrong it never was, Right ..Wrong they are just the manifestation of the perceiver ,which of course can be manipulated to suit their convenience."
I was surprised to hear it from him.Looking steadily into his eyes i said
"I thought you are me from the past , and these are not the principles i believed"
He shook his head and gently made a smile and said
"Thats exactly what i was saying, You always tried to live by principles ,always looked at the comfort zone, fearing to put a step outside of that circle, You were like a cow that has been tied to a tree. eating all the grass that was available there,in that circle And when its over you waited and waited for the grass to grow back. Do you know what was funny?
No i dont know, you are the wise guy tell me.
"well dear there never was a tree and there was no rope tied to your neck, it was all a notion that you nurtured to make excuses to step outside to the real world , to face uncertainties, And now look at you "

The ghost of my past

Cont.
Through the filth,covered in muck i crawled forward. The vultures are very near me, Now they aren't afraid of this half dead. They know sooner or later i will give up, but will I? I asked myself again and again, Will I? I am tired, but i continued crawling.. Frayed by the hard rocks my flesh has started to come of and i can see the bones. I am afraid i may lose my consciousness. I have to get away from these creatures of death. slowly my eyes were filled with darkness and in that i saw an apparition.
Who are you?
I asked him. Even it was dark that person looked very bright ,and.gentle  I was starting to forget how a human looked like,And i never expected to find a gentleman in this no mans land
Are you here to help me? please sir help me.
He replied Yes ,I am here to help you. I am you of the past. I am here to make sure , you don't do the mistakes of the past.

The Beginning of the Crawl

CONT.

Its morning now and i wish everything was just a dream,but truth is more vivid than a dream and slowly it started to unfold in front of me,the big fall,the broken legs and arms,the crushed heart. I don't want to lie here one more day wasting,crying. So i decided to crawl. Even if my strength was at its fullest ,it would be a hell of a journey climbing up, and now i had to do it with my dying spirit. But if i give up here i will die for nothing and its even worse than live for nothing .
The time is flying like the vultures circling around my head.They had already started to feast on my skin chafed away on the rocks. Their scream is echoing inside my head,saying GIVE UP,GIVE UP GIVE UP.....If I continue this journey, even if I reach at the top i will die there.But that won't be an excuse to give up here while my heart is still beating and my lungs is still breathing.And i will never ever share my body to slake the hunger of nay Sayers.PERIOD..

The great fall

   I realized i had slipped from the top. It was a great mountain, But i couldn't do anything to stop me from falling, I could feel the sharp edges piercing through my skin, the bruises were deep, I remember my head banging against a big rock, then a long period of unconsciousness and i don't know for how long through the slope i rolled down. When i woke up, i was already at the bottom.Nobody were there to help me, i cried and cried but in this valley of darkness ,where i guess no souls have ever visited before,my cry for help died in vain....I don't know whether i could reach back at the top again.well i dont even know whether i will last for another day. My hands were broken so were my legs,It was hurting badly but above all was the pain in my heart.

I want to cry this whole night till its dawn. And then when its morning, i will start crawling back ....

We dont Kneel

Things may look very difficult now, in fact its like we have fell into a ditch, a quagmire of mediocrity and uncertainties, but this is when we learn life. Friends who were with us during the sunshine may not be with us during the dark, And this phase will help us to sort them out, those whom we need to carry forward and those who we need to leave .In fact we don't need to leave anybody behind , they will do it for us. The bright part is we don't need to deal  anymore with wolfs in sheep attire. Our purse may be empty, So may be our balance , the rent may be due,and there wont be food in our fridge and we can feel the pain from deep inside our stomach, but which is nothing compared to the pain the people who left us have forgot to take from our heart. But we dont need to shed a drop of tear for them nor we don't need to kneel before anyone.No matter what we dont sell our integrity.
 Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.(Valerie)

Today is a rainy day

  Some days are sunny some days are rainy. I guess today is a rainy day. I wonder why monsoon loves me so much. Life is like that , people you love may not love you back and those who loves you , we wont see their love. But i don't think rain really loves me, Its this sadistic playfulness that it feels around me is the only thing that makes it to return to me. I miss a bright sunny day, I am starting to forget how its like , All i have is this dark clouds and the sun playing hide and seek. As the rain drops fall on my window pane, slowly running down i can see it leaving a meek trail on its path, and fading my vision. .

Chess with the Devil

  Life is a board game between you and the devil himself.He will lure you into take the pieces that he offers. Make you believe that you are winning .But the problem is, In the game of chess nothing comes for free. By taking those easy pawns that he offered you have stepped into his web,a very tempting web with an illusion of short term victory .But  believe me when i say this " the path to the hell is the most easiest ,because  all the way we are deceived by the concept of winning till we make the final step and only then,at our last move  we will know that all the long it was we who had helped him to thread that difficult that complex loop in the web by pressing our finger against the knot and thus totally strangled by it

There is no easy path leading out of life, and few easy ones that lie within it
Walter Savage Landor

Don't Cry to God

Is our life been controlled by some unknown force? all our actions in-actions ,Our speech our silence like a movie that is already been scripted. And we all strongly believe that we can change those script if we try hard, or may be we cry hard. Yeah cry,are you surprised to hear that? why do you think we cry lonely in a room, because we have been fed a misconception along with the breast milk when we were babies , and that is If we cry then we will get. And growing up ,that idea just cemented its positions inside our head. we want a chocolate ,cry to daddy, we want new dress then cry to mommy, As we grew up our needs also grew and no longer mommy or daddy can give us what we want. That's when we started to believe in a higher power . Some one who can give us what we want. Some one who will fall for our tears and will use his power to give us to grand us everything no matter what it is. I am not questioning the place of God in this universe, I am a strong believer , but i don't believe that God is the one we need to fall into when we want something or when things go wrong. It is us whom we need to fall for solace. Because  Its our actions that is going to fetch what we want in life and of course our actions are Gods actions because He is in everyone of us

The river that i was not

Who am I if not a pond?  Some times stagnant and sometimes uncertain about my tomorrows. Sometimes full with the rain and sometimes dry with the summer heat. The pebbles the kids throw at me creating small ripples , then transforming into a big one and finally disappearing from my eyes. I hope those ripples transform into a big tide and take me out. I want to be a river that flows, calm and pleasant  at the surface, never showing your anguish or distress concealing everything deep inside, letting all the passerby , strangers, our own ,and none to doubt about the tides lashing inside you. To touch life, to transform them to see the world and to

" be the change that you wish to see in this world :(M K Gandhi)"

Crow is beautiful

How beautiful is this creature called a Crow. Most people would laugh at this idea,Some may think it to be a sarcasm and agree with it. But behind that shining black feathers , concealed and veiled inside their noisy crow isn't there a beauty that we forget to see, or we neglect to see. Or aren't we programmed mechanically to see what we want to see,sorry its not our vision it's the generations and generations of stereotyping devised a vision inside our head which was seen by the neanderthal man. Sure our skull has reduced in size from that age but with the size of the skull our brain too have shrank, losing our ability to see new visions, to perceive new thoughts. And if we evolve some times from now then surely we will know that ,it doesn't matter whether crow is dark or white, whether it sings or crows. But still , its beautiful.

"Miracles Happen everyday,change the perception of what a miracle is and you will see them all around you"
Jon Bon Jovi

Prisoner

I am a prisoner here. The doors are open wide and there are no guards to stop me and still i am a prisoner. I look at this world through the windows , holding tight the iron bars , i used to extent my hands as far as i could, To feel the sun shine , some times the rain. Some times i hope if a butterfly could come and sit on my palms. I wish i could walk out through the doors to go out, to bend over the flowers, which smile at me everyday,to kiss them, to smell life. But who is stopping me from that if it's not myself?

"The Only limitation in our life is the one we create , believe and nourish within our own minds"

The race

 On a fine morning i started to run ,A Marathon. I didn't know i was ready for this but I had to do it any way, The world around me was running and in that flow , into the depths of that stream i too fell. I dint find any log to grab to, take a deep breath or to rest , some times i had to swim with the stream sometimes against it . My hands were tired my legs were swollen But i couldn't stop doing what i am doing , I didn't know the purpose of my actions but i only knew i couldn't give up.
  Probably i will never know the purpose of my life nor why i am doing what i am doing, may be this is how life is. May be after taking all those pain my journey ends up in the depths of the river i have fallen to, Or may be this is the purpose of my life, to run this race, To be a race horse, Does the beast know why it is running?

The only race you have to win is the race against yourself
 unknown

My greatest fear

The sky is getting dark.With the heavy wind, the storm clouds are getting close and now they are just a hand away. I wish I could out run it,to reach home safely, but the wind is not helping nor the cold droplets of rain.

  Some times you will be left bewildered by the nature, by how it conspires against you. to feel that your life isn't your hands. terrorized by the thunder storm, the  lighting , its pompous vigor and destructive affinity, hitting very close to you, missing you by fraction ,not by mistake but to tell you that your life is just my mercy, a pittance from me

  The cold shower has started, I am drenched, i am shivering and I am far far away from where i am meant to be, I don't wish to get into some shades for the rain to pass, i want to stand in it , i want to feel its cold, i want to feel the frightening sound of the thunder, and i know that the lightning may flow through my nerves, but i want to feel it. I will face all my fears before I reach my destiny.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

Franklin D. Roosevelt

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The Lord is my shepherd

what ever that's in front of me,I feel it to be a  huge gigantic formidable mountain. I wonder how it can be a scourge and equally inspirational at the same moment. I wish i could put the impression of my feet at its zenith. to feel that calm breeze that nobody has felt before, for the first time with all its freshness. to view the panorama of the vision that i haven't yet seen. But the journey i guess will  be a hard one. I dont have a Sherpa guide to conquer this Everest .
       All i believe I have is God the almighty to push me forward, I dont know which path is the right one, I dont know what all evil is waiting for me around the corner.I believe which ever path i take what ever that i do in this journey He will surely make it the right one. Even if i fall down from a cliff i know  that, till that last moment i have done everything in my capacity. every inch and the last drop of the god given gifts ,the elixir of life, to achieve what i believe is the right one

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.He maketh me lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness .Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.thy rod and thy staff they comfort me":psalms 23

A Beast

 What is this powerful thing called mind? Is it the brain or is it some unknown entity? I know my mind is not me, it is way more powerful than me, like a magnificent beast unleashed from the cage it meanders through the narrow paths i have never seen before, the road i would be terrified to take , But the mind is just not that coward as me nor it is nobody's slave. Its a true free spirit just out of reach of my imaginations and no imagination can hold it back
But what if i could tame that dark black horse, put it in shackles ,making it my servant rather than being an obedient retainer of it. To sit on top of it and to travel swiftly to those lands that i haven't traveled before .
Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.

Swami Vivekananda

And i found myself in a dark tunnel

i can feel the railway lines touching my legs .. i  stroll forward, then stumbling down in the dark. i am terrified by this solitude. but to wait here alone is foolishness , come what may happens later i should move forward. i hope that i will find a light on the way. I dont know may be its the head light of a train coming down at me with all its might, to just take me down or may be its a candle light and in that faint light I may find a pair of beautiful sparkling eyes looking at me, i dont know ..! And i will never know if i sit here in this dark

  what ever future has in store for me I should take a chance

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

Thomas A. Edison

the day i doubted

I thought today to give up and to do something else, but why to give up now, when you are trying your best?
probably William said was true
"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt"

i will walk forward with my goal. I may fall down , i may stumble, people may step on me
, but then i will crawl and will surely finish what i have started , i will cry violently if i have to , i will hurt myself badly , but i will never give up.

Believe you can and you're halfway there.

Theodore Roosevelt